Hope Spoken

In five months I am getting on an airplane to Dallas, Texas, with two good friends. We are going to the Hope Spoken conference with 250 other women. So, to start the fun early, the gals running the event are hosting a link-up so we can all get to know each other through our blogs. Woohoo! Here goes . . . 

Hi!! My name is Jocelyn. I live with my sweet husband, Eric, and four kids in Salem, Oregon. Eric and I both grew up here in Salem and have always lived in the Pacific Northwest. We went to high school and college together, but never dated until we were 25. In another life, I was a corporate lawyer and then a law school administrator. Haha. It's hard to even imagine anymore. These days I'm a stay at home/homeschool mom to my hilarious crew: three boys and a girl ages 8, 6, 2 and 7 months. 

I think that what I'm hoping to take away from Hope Spoken and the thing that I'm nervous about are all wrapped up in the same thing. Almost three years ago, my world was rocked when my marriage hit rock bottom. Jesus has been so good to us and redeemed our marriage from the pit. Even though I knew Jesus before our mess, I feel like now I can say that I really know Him. After that, I didn't want to present ourselves as this perfect family anymore. I wanted other people, especially women, to know God for themselves. I wanted to boast in my weakness that they might see His Glory. Writing my little blog has grown out of this desire in my heart. And God has blessed me hugely in my little world as He has used my desire to be real (through my blog and also life in general) to make my friendships deeper, turn acquaintances into real friends, and to give me opportunities to minster in ways I never could have before.

As soon as I heard about Hope Spoken, I knew I had to go. I'm super nervous about leaving my youngest baby, who will turn one just a few weeks before the conference. But, I know the Lord has something for me during this weekend. I'm excited to see what exactly it is . . . I know that He wants me to share my story to give hope to others. But that also makes me nervous!  Hope Spoken is probably the best place to gain courage to share our story and my own weakness more boldly! Wondering how many times during the weekend I'm going to cry (yikes - I hate crying in public . . .  I am NOT a pretty crier. Think red nose and splotchy face.) and also what exactly He is going to do in my heart while i'm there. I'm waiting with expectation to see who and what He is planning on using to change me. 

So, I'm also supposed to share something fun/random about myself. I hate this question. Ummm . . . random. I love Oregon Ducks football. Like, really love it. And, also, I never ever thought I would be a homeschool mom. Ever. I remember being in a Bible study with a girl who decided to start homeschooling several years ago. When she said she was going to homeschool I immediately thought, "Oh . . . I really liked you. I mean, I thought you were so normal. You are going to homeschool? You're one of those people?" And now I homeschool. Heh heh. I am planning to run my first half-marathon this year. I passionately love baking cookies and old Amy Grant music. Okay . . . now I'm rambling. 

Looking forward to meeting all of you, ladies. If you are here from the link-up, Hi!!!! Say hi and leave a comment :)  xoxo. 

Maui . . .

Hey-o!!  I mean, Aloha, people!! We are in Hawaii on vacay!!!  Woohoo!!!! My ever-fabulous, wonderful in-laws have taken our little fam along with them to Maui. Which means vacation on the beach, fun at the pool, oh and we had lots of help at the airport! Praise Jesus! We were still a spectacle, but 4 adults with 4 kids is a lot easier than 2 adults with 4 kids!

It's morning naptime for Morrow, my sweet vampire baby who decided that maybe the sun is okay if he is in 2 inches of water in the kiddie pool with his brother.

So, I've gotten to catch up on the Word and a few of my fave blogger's encouraging words.

Even here on vacation, I find that my sin is always right there with me. Roman 7:21 rings true, even here in paradise. So, I loved my interweb friend, Jami Nato's, words this morning on my computer.  If you struggle with your sin nature, and don't we all, read her post. It's so good. So encouraging.  Click on the link in that last sentence. Or find the link to her blog in the side bar: Hello From the Natos.

Have an aloha day!

Persevere in His Grace

I just walked in from outside. And I was overcome with how much I love this time of year. especially this year. Maybe that sounds surprising after I wrote in my last post about struggling with postpartum depression again. But, as I walked in the house tonight, I caught myself thinking about how thankful I am for this life, my husband, kids in beanie hats, the fresh clean fall air in the rain, Duck football, the zoo in the rain, a warm home, changing leaves, boots with skinny jeans, kids crawling into cozy beds when it is dark outside, cocoa and apple cider donuts, piles of pumpkins at the grocery store, and a sweet, fat baby who oozes joy and fell asleep nursing tonight (which never happens!). As I caught myself in these thoughts, I knew. I knew that the depression is lifting, that I will be okay again.

Thankfully, my depression has been improving, slowly but surely, over the past couple of months. And, strange as it sounds, the change in the weather back to rain is helping. Summer with a baby is more difficult in some ways. Morrow is a super easy baby, but he weighs 23 pounds at 6 months old (yes, you read that right). Lugging him around in the summertime heat was exhausting. And, I swear, his sweet baby self is a vampire of some sort. He does not love the sunlight or the heat, at all. So, life is a little easier inside. Where he can crawl like a maniac, not have to endure his siblings' swimming lessons, and everyone is inside to play with him.

It's funny, the way that God provides the little things to accomplish, in His timing, what seems impossible, like overcoming depression when it's dark and heavy. It is not always a miraculous overnight healing! But, He gives us what we need to keep on going. When it's really hard, He gives us everything we need to persevere. 

A common saying is that "God never gives you more than you can handle." Have you ever had anyone say to you, "Wow, you must be really strong, or God wouldn't have given you all of that. He knew you were strong enough to handle that." The truth is . . . those sayings are just not true. Search the Scriptures and there is absolutely no verse which says those words. Look at 1 Corinthians 10:13, the verse people have derived this saying from. That verse has everything to do with temptation, and nothing to do with suffering.

What God does say about suffering is evident in 2 Corinthians 12. I've had my Bible open to this chapter on my kitchen counter for most of this week.  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Weakness allows the power of Christ to rest upon me. So, like Paul, "I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, my trials, my hardships, the calamities in my life...For when I am weak, then I am strong." And not strong because of how awesome I am. Instead, I am strong because these places of brokenness are where God does everything.

Autumn brings the routine of school and activities back to our home. One of my children dreads the spelling portion of school. He is an amazing reader and you will often find him with his nose in a book. Yet spelling is just a struggle. This week, I was so thankful that we are at home together so that I can use the opportunity to point him to Jesus. Maybe it is hard to directly relate Jesus to spelling. But, it is simple to relate Jesus to hardships and trials. And to an elementary-school-aged mind, struggling to spell is a real trial that has to be faced every weekday.

As he was in tears and so desiring to give up, the Holy Spirit urged me to get out God's Word and see what He had to say. We found James 1:2-3: Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking in anything.

After a small argument discussion about the word "mature" -- requiring a dictionary to prove that Mommy did know that mature really does mean "being fully grown" and does not mean "small for your age" -- this kiddo fidgeted with the carpet and (I think) listened while I talked about steadfastness, and persevering, and the ways the Lord might use this trial to prepare them for something even harder.

Did he hear me? I hope so. Maybe a word here or there. A snippet of truth that filtered in. Maybe the truth that they can do ALL things through Jesus. That Jesus loves them even when they hate spelling and want to quit.  But really, really, the words were for me too. Isaiah 55:11 says "... so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose. and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it." The Lord had something that He wanted His Word to accomplish in me as well.

I don't want y'all to be worried, thinking I am still at rock bottom. I can finally say that, most of the time, I am doing great! But the days when depression sneaks up on me, it often manifests itself in an intense desire to give up. To feel like this mothering/marriage/homemaking/homeschool gig is beyond me. That I am just not cut out for this. I just want to sit down in a pile of tears and wonder how I am supposed to do this. I found myself telling my husband that you know, there are so many things I am better at! I am better at academics, at lawyering, at being out in the world and I just want to go do what I know I'm really good at.

As the words were spilling out of my mouth to my husband, the words I had just spoken to my child about spelling started coming to mind. That the Lord is using the hard, the challenging things, to produce perseverance in us. And that the perseverance leads to us becoming mature and complete, so that we are lacking in nothing. And that when perseverance seems hard, we can still do it because we can do all things through Jesus who gives us strength.

The Lord wants me to persevere, not to run toward what is easy by human standards. And he promises maturity from it and completion, and that then I will lack nothing . . . and isn't that what I really want in the end?

At the same time, the Lord does not just leave me on my own. He does not leave me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and put in a lot of blood, sweat and tears to persevere. A well-known verse is Psalm 46:10: "Be still, and know that I am God." "Be still" can also be translated, "cease striving." And, I know the Lord is saying to me, "press in to Me. Yes, this is too hard for you. Yes, there are things that you are better at than what I've called you to. But, can you believe that my grace is sufficient? Can you believe that my grace is enough? Do you believe that it is enough for the places where you feel inadequate? Do you believe that it is enough for the times when you don't know what to do? Do you believe it is enough when you make a mistake, when you just flat out screw-up again, when you are acutely aware of your sinful nature?

He says that I can do all things through Him. That He strengthens me. That I can do all things through Him. Even those things that I feel incapable of. Even when I really want to collapse into a heap of tears. Even those things that are hard. And, when I am tired.

He says persevere. I will strengthen you. Cease striving. Believe that My Grace is sufficient. Boast in your weakness, instead of wishing you could do the things that are your natural strengths. My power will rest upon you. I will do in you every thing that I call you to do. Persevere. I will do the work and you will gain maturity and completion. Grace upon grace. Undeserved blessing.

A New Season

Why, hello there, blog of mine . . . Let's see . . . it's been over three months since I last wrote. Definitely not because I don't have a desire to write. I have no less than five blogposts started on here that I've never finished. And there are thoughts tumbling around in my head that just need to be spit out onto paper.

So . . . I figured I may as well just start. Just start writing again and whatever I get out, I get out. It may not be pretty and some of it may be incoherent. It may be all over the place. But that is just kind of where I'm at right now in life, going in a bunch of different directions all at the same time. Trusting Jesus that He will lead in each of those directions and walking by faith in what He has set before me.

Morrow has reached the six month mark. Hard to believe we've been living with this sweet little guy for half-a-year. He sits, he army crawls (and could beat out any other baby in a race), he has two teeth, he eats solid food. He does not sleep through the night . . . but who really cares when he is so jolly all day long? Seriously . . . we could just eat him up.

My other three babes continue to grow, which is so rude. They just won't stop, no matter how many times I ask them to stay little. 

But, there is something delightful about starting another year of school at home with them. Except that it makes my laundry look like this:

Oh wait, who am I kidding. My laundry room looks like that most of the time. Oops. 

The past three months have been full. And, have brought good and bad, joy and heartache. I think many of my blogposts I haven't finished because they haven't felt 100% real. You see, this is my second time around of having gross, awful postpartum depression. No matter how badly I wanted to escape it, sneak by without having it "catch" me, I just couldn't avoid it. It crept up on me, and eventually I had to admit what I was dealing with and then face it head on.  I want to talk about it and admit it, because I hate that I felt shame that I was struggling with it. Because I know that if I struggled with shame over it, there must be other women who struggle with shame over it, not wanting to admit to it.  I guess I just wanted to be "better" than having postpartum depression. When I was really in the midst of it, I didn't want anyone to know that I wasn't "supermom/superwife/superwoman/superfriend."
But enough of that!! I say no more! No more of believing the lie that perfection is what we should be showing the world. It is in my weakness that Jesus gets the glory, so I will boast of it all the more.
(2 Corinthians 12)

It is good for me to real on here, because it frees me from any delusion that I might have about being super-anything. And the more I'm real and honest about my struggles, the more I see my need for a Savior. Which forces me to the only Savior I have, which is Jesus. You see, any delusion I have about being super-anything just keeps me self-dependent. And the Lord keeps shouting at me that He doesn't want me to be self-dependent. He wants me to be wholly dependent on Him.

Last week in my Bible study, one of the questions was what positive and/or negative feelings do you have about the word "saved?" Saved. It means that I need to be saved from something. And normally if we are being saved from something it isn't something good. Right? So I really resent the word saved sometimes. Because well, in needing to be saved, I am not self-sufficient and I have to let go of the smoke and mirrors that would allow me to believe otherwise!

Okay ... I hear little people stirring and the baby in my lap is done with just sitting here. So I am going to hit publish on this post and let it mark a new season of writing for me. It may mean half finished posts where I stop mid-thought. Posts that are to be continued . . . but I would love it if you stick with me.

Happy Three Months, Morrow!

Morrow Isaiah is three months old today. It's more exciting for the other five people in this house than it is for him! We all love having him as part of our family and we are finding joy everyday in watching him grow and change.

Given the meaning of Morrow's name, I thought that Spurgeon's Morning by Morning devotion from yesterday was fitting to celebrate Morrow's three months.  The scripture reads "The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad." (Psalm 126:3). And Spurgeon expounds, "In looking back it would be wrong to deny that we have been in the Slough of Despond and have crept along the Valley of Humiliation, but it would be equally wicked to forget that we have been through them safely and profitably; we have not remained in them, thanks to our Almighty Helper and Leader who has brought us out to a place of abundance." 

God brought us out of the sorrow of night and into the joy of the morning. He brought us out of the "slough" and the "valley" to a place of abundance.  A morning and an abundance which include this sweet babe (and his siblings, of course). 

GROW! And grow some more. It seems to be the theme with this "little" guy. Morrow weighed in this morning at 18 lbs 7 oz.  Last month, at his two month check-up, his height was off the charts. He is wearing 6-9 month clothes most of the time, but I can still squeeze him into a 3-6 month outfit if I'm desperate for a clean outfit!

We love having this chubby baby. He laughs and smiles the whole time he is awake, which still isn't very often. But there is something about a laughing fat baby that is so jolly. Morrow likes to eat and sleep, a lot. His favorite activity after those is bath time or watching his siblings - he is definitely well entertained around here.

The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad!!!

Dancing Their Hearts Out

Another year of dance class has wrapped up for both Marshall, Eliza and . . . Eric! (I'll explain). I was so proud of ALL of my dancers!

Our 2013 dance recital was held last weekend at the Elsinore Theatre. This year, Eliza decided to try Irish dance in lieu of ballet and jazz. Eliza had a great year dancing. She loves her teacher, Miss Holly. And her class was the sweetest group of eight little girls, ages 4-6. They learned Irish-T, partner swaps and jigs. For little girls, there are some definite draws to Irish dance including the lace-up shoes (gillies) and the massive wig of curly hair. I wish I could say that I created all those curls myself. We moms from Eliza's class got our stories straight, and agreed that, if anyone asked, the answer was it took 3.5 hours to do the girls hair.

The opposite of Eliza, Marshall gave up Irish dance to take ballet, jazz and hip hop. There were two other little boys in his class . . . he only wants to take dance if there are other boys in his class! Let me tell you, Marshall has some serious rhythm. He was invited to be in the opening performance of the recital this year, as well as the finale. He was a dinosaur in the opening, and a newsie in the finale. His weekly dance class performed together as fireflies. It all adds up to a lot of costume changes! And, since I was toting a 2 month old baby around, Eric took on the duties of a "stage dad," making sure all those costume changes happened on time. He's a pro!

The newsie performance is where Eric jumped in with his own dancing skills. As it turned out, each newsboy needed an adult family member to dance with them as a pirate. Convenient that Eric has that huge beard! He was the perfect pirate, and was a great sport about learning a hip hop dance that he performed on stage with Marshall. It's a great memory that neither of them will ever forget! And, there may or may not be a DVD viewing party at our house in a few weeks when we get the DVD of the whole performance . . . popcorn and Milk Duds provided!

He Does It Again

So, God showed up again. Not that I'm surprised. Well, maybe I am a little bit. In my humanness, I forget just how faithful He is.  Since I've already admitted that I'm a Christian music dork, I'll just say that whenever God shows up again (and again and again . . . ) it reminds me of these old Point of Grace lyrics:


You do it again, You do it again 
You speak to me just like a friend 
You always seem to show up right on time 
You do it again, I guess you know when 
My heart needs to hear your voice 
I'm so forgetful, that's why I'm thankful 
You do it again 

Sometimes I find myself wondering how in the world I am expected to know how to train up these children in the Lord. Where's the manual? Can't there just be a formula of x+y=z when it comes to raising little people? Even after reading "the best" parenting books I find myself stumped. What can I expect from them? What is just "kid behavior" that I need to let go of? How many activities are too many? What do I do about the quarreling? What do I do about the temper tantrums? Who gets the toy that they are fighting over? How do I discipline without causing shame?

More often than not, my confidence in my mom-skills is lacking. But, that's because I'm looking for my confidence in the wrong place. I'm looking for my confidence in myself, not in Jesus. I desperately want to be independent. I want to parent, be a wife, homemaker, friend and follower of Jesus by myself.  When it comes right down to it, I'm like my two-year-old who is determined to not hold my hand when we walk down the street, and who wants to do everything on his own so that he can proudly show me that he did it all by himself.

That's just not life following Jesus, not what He desires for us anyway. So, Jesus doesn't let me succeed on my own and in my own strength. He shows me that I require grace, and lots of it. As the amazing Paul David Tripp says in his book, Broken Down House:

Trying to live independent of the daily intervention of God and others is like trying to bake a cake in a washing machine. That washing machine is a wonderful creation, but it was never designed to do what you are asking it to do. All you will end up with is a soapy batter, a dirty machine, and a badly dented pan. Productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. This neediness only comes when you begin to understand and accept what the Bible has to say about sin, and daily reach out for the help that can only be found through the Lord Jesus Christ. 

This morning I was not feeling ready to face a day in the life of a stay at home homeschooling mom to four children. I felt grumpy and irritated and like I was going to just drag through the hours of this day. Then the Lord showed me something in Judges. Yes, Judges, of all books. God called Gideon to save the nation of Israel from the Midianites. Gideon's response is, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house." (Judges 6:15) Gideon was feeling his weakness. He looked at himself and his position in the world, and it didn't look too promising. 

But God knew Gideon's position and he still wanted Gideon to save Israel. He knew Gideon's personal neediness and it's just what the Lord wanted in a servant. Remember, productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. The Lord said to Gideon, "But I will be with you . . ." (Judges 6:16). Then as Gideon headed into battle, God trimmed Gideon's army down from 32,000 soldiers to just 300. Thirty-two thousand soldiers was just too many. "The Lord said to Gideon, 'The people with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel boast over me, saying, 'My own hand has saved me.''" (Judges 7:2).






Do you know how often I say to the Lord, "How can I raise these children? How can I be a 'good wife?' How can I be the woman you've called me to be?" And His response is always, "I know your downfalls, But I will be with you." To Him, my personal neediness - my sin, my shortcomings, my humanness - are essential because realizing my sin is what will cause me to reach out for the help that I will only find in Jesus.

It seems that adding a fourth child to our home has just magnified my sin! I feel like it has magnified all of the reasons that tumble around in my head that make me want to shout to the Lord, "don't you see this job is too big for me?" Don't you see who I am? How do you expect me to give You to this family?" But, I think adding Morrow was like the Lord cutting down Gideon's army from 32,000 to just 300. He gives me much to handle lest I would ever boast over Him saying "my own hand" has accomplished anything. God's desire is not for me to be like my independent two year old. He doesn't want me coming to Him to say, look what I did ALL BY MYSELF!' He doesn't want me boasting over Him. He desires to be with me in my daily work. And He desires to use my daily work for His Glory.  

Truly, truly, is there anything better than that? Is there anything better than having the Lord take my daily grind - my mess, my struggle and my ordinary life - and turn it into a display of His Splendor?