He Does It Again

So, God showed up again. Not that I'm surprised. Well, maybe I am a little bit. In my humanness, I forget just how faithful He is.  Since I've already admitted that I'm a Christian music dork, I'll just say that whenever God shows up again (and again and again . . . ) it reminds me of these old Point of Grace lyrics:


You do it again, You do it again 
You speak to me just like a friend 
You always seem to show up right on time 
You do it again, I guess you know when 
My heart needs to hear your voice 
I'm so forgetful, that's why I'm thankful 
You do it again 

Sometimes I find myself wondering how in the world I am expected to know how to train up these children in the Lord. Where's the manual? Can't there just be a formula of x+y=z when it comes to raising little people? Even after reading "the best" parenting books I find myself stumped. What can I expect from them? What is just "kid behavior" that I need to let go of? How many activities are too many? What do I do about the quarreling? What do I do about the temper tantrums? Who gets the toy that they are fighting over? How do I discipline without causing shame?

More often than not, my confidence in my mom-skills is lacking. But, that's because I'm looking for my confidence in the wrong place. I'm looking for my confidence in myself, not in Jesus. I desperately want to be independent. I want to parent, be a wife, homemaker, friend and follower of Jesus by myself.  When it comes right down to it, I'm like my two-year-old who is determined to not hold my hand when we walk down the street, and who wants to do everything on his own so that he can proudly show me that he did it all by himself.

That's just not life following Jesus, not what He desires for us anyway. So, Jesus doesn't let me succeed on my own and in my own strength. He shows me that I require grace, and lots of it. As the amazing Paul David Tripp says in his book, Broken Down House:

Trying to live independent of the daily intervention of God and others is like trying to bake a cake in a washing machine. That washing machine is a wonderful creation, but it was never designed to do what you are asking it to do. All you will end up with is a soapy batter, a dirty machine, and a badly dented pan. Productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. This neediness only comes when you begin to understand and accept what the Bible has to say about sin, and daily reach out for the help that can only be found through the Lord Jesus Christ. 

This morning I was not feeling ready to face a day in the life of a stay at home homeschooling mom to four children. I felt grumpy and irritated and like I was going to just drag through the hours of this day. Then the Lord showed me something in Judges. Yes, Judges, of all books. God called Gideon to save the nation of Israel from the Midianites. Gideon's response is, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house." (Judges 6:15) Gideon was feeling his weakness. He looked at himself and his position in the world, and it didn't look too promising. 

But God knew Gideon's position and he still wanted Gideon to save Israel. He knew Gideon's personal neediness and it's just what the Lord wanted in a servant. Remember, productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. The Lord said to Gideon, "But I will be with you . . ." (Judges 6:16). Then as Gideon headed into battle, God trimmed Gideon's army down from 32,000 soldiers to just 300. Thirty-two thousand soldiers was just too many. "The Lord said to Gideon, 'The people with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel boast over me, saying, 'My own hand has saved me.''" (Judges 7:2).






Do you know how often I say to the Lord, "How can I raise these children? How can I be a 'good wife?' How can I be the woman you've called me to be?" And His response is always, "I know your downfalls, But I will be with you." To Him, my personal neediness - my sin, my shortcomings, my humanness - are essential because realizing my sin is what will cause me to reach out for the help that I will only find in Jesus.

It seems that adding a fourth child to our home has just magnified my sin! I feel like it has magnified all of the reasons that tumble around in my head that make me want to shout to the Lord, "don't you see this job is too big for me?" Don't you see who I am? How do you expect me to give You to this family?" But, I think adding Morrow was like the Lord cutting down Gideon's army from 32,000 to just 300. He gives me much to handle lest I would ever boast over Him saying "my own hand" has accomplished anything. God's desire is not for me to be like my independent two year old. He doesn't want me coming to Him to say, look what I did ALL BY MYSELF!' He doesn't want me boasting over Him. He desires to be with me in my daily work. And He desires to use my daily work for His Glory.  

Truly, truly, is there anything better than that? Is there anything better than having the Lord take my daily grind - my mess, my struggle and my ordinary life - and turn it into a display of His Splendor? 

We Made It

Tomorrow marks four weeks since we welcomed Morrow into our family. Wow. I had intended to blog more. Just so that I'd have some way to document our life with four kids, to be able to look back on someday when the delirium of sleep deprivation has worn off. But, the days have flown by in a seemingly endless series of that three-hour cycle. Eat. Awake. Sleep. The last four weeks have seemed like an eternity. And yet, at the same time, they have seemed like just one day.

My house looks like a tornado hit it. A tornado named Jameson who blows through while I'm stuck on the couch feeding a baby, unable to stop his path of destruction. Did you know that in a matter of 15 minutes, a two-year-old can open a cupboard, pull out every board game we own, and dump out every single piece into one big pile. He can also pull out every DVD case. Or every book. Or every toy in the toy bin. Phew. 

Jameson eating cheese on the floor surrounded by the pots and pans he pulled out

I also have no less than four loads of laundry to fold. I have two loads of folded laundry that need to be put away. I have another load of clothes that needs to be washed. And a load of sheets that need to be washed after a certain newborn pooped on our bed in the middle of the night, in the two seconds that a diaper was not secured. 

My kids' suitcase, that they took to their grandparents' house while I was in the hospital, is still sitting at the bottom of the stairs. Half-full. Don't trip on it as you walk into our house. I systematically empty it when I need clothes for them and we happen to be downstairs. 

There is a stack of thank you notes that need to be written. There is a box of baby announcements that need to be addressed and stuffed into envelopes. There are newborn baby pictures that need to be ordered. (Sorry Daveen - I promise I'll get to it). 

Seriously. It's wild. And, I don't know when all of it is going to get done. 

But, everyone is happy. Oh .... we had our share of tears this week - the kids' and mine. I've snapped and apologized. There have been a few rough moments. A few temper tantrums. Everyone has had to adjust. But!! We made it through our first week without Eric being home. And we didn't just scrape by. God showed up with abundant blessing throughout the whole week. 

Jameson on the carousel with Gram today to celebrate that we made it through the week! 

Sweet Eliza refuses to ride on a horse that moves, so she continues to ride on this little one every time we go!

Both of my younger boys are asleep at the same time (a blessing in itself). My older two are having "quiet time." And, I could sleep. Or I could take care of something off that list I just rattled off. But, I really need to stop and build an altar. Like Jacob did in Genesis. In Genesis 32, Jacob was afraid of his brother, Esau. Many years before, Jacob had deceived Esau and stolen his birthright and his blessing.  Because of Esau's anger, Jacob had been forced to flee his home. Now, returning home, Jacob feared what Esau would do to him. In his distress, Jacob called out to God for help, and reminded God of the promises He had made to Jacob. And God showed up and changed Esau's heart toward Jacob. So, Jacob built an altar to "the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone." (Genesis 35:3)

Last week, I was terrified at the prospect of being at home by myself with four kids. I'm not sure what exactly I thought was going to happen. Maybe I was afraid of kids melting down. Maybe I was afraid of me melting down. Or the house burning down? I don't know. But I was distressed. And I was crying a lot. So, I called out to God in my distress and recalled the promises that God has made to me in Scripture. 

God showed up. He answered me in my distress. And He proved He will continue to be with me wherever I go. Even into my first week as a mom on my own with four kids. Now I feel like I need to stop and make a written "altar" to who He is. 

Over the past couple of years, the Lord has impressed on my heart to be honest, to be an open book with my life. To be transparent - a word that used to scare the heck out of me. On Sunday, our first week back at church with Morrow, I didn't even try to hide my tears at church. I figured, if I cry then I cry. If I have to admit that I'm freaked out, then I'll admit it. When people have asked how I'm doing, I've been honest (a novel idea) and said I am good, we love this baby, but I am crying a lot. 

Transparency has been a huge blessing. Because Monday morning, I had friends, friends and more friends getting in touch to say that they were praying for my week. One friend dropped off some treats on my doorstep. Others left a voicemail checking in. My mother-in-law took Eliza to dance class for me. And my sister-in-law took Marshall to Bible study. In the midst of the hectic pace that four kids brings, I didn't feel so alone. Even though I didn't have time to chat with everyone  anyone or to even text everyone back, it was comforting knowing that I had community around me who knew how I was really doing. God showed up through the community of believers that He has built around our family.

Also on Sunday morning, as I told a friend that I'm struggling some, she mentioned a book that she had been reading, My Name is Hope: Anxiety, Depression, and Life after Melancholy, written by John Mark Comer (the pastor of Solid Rock Church in Portland). I downloaded it to my Kindle and started reading it on Sunday night, in the dark quiet of late night baby feeding. 

God used John Mark's description of taking every thought captive to speak to me. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says we are to "take every thought captive to obey Christ." I've heard those words so many times. But, I needed those words to fall afresh on me this week so I would apply them once again, now to my life as a new mom of four.  At 9:00 am, when I started to worry about how I was going to make it to 5:00pm, I shut down those worries. I focused on the task at hand instead. I asked the Lord to be with me right in that moment. Dealing with a temper tantrum, helping Marshall with math, changing a diaper, feeding a baby, being the referee in the older kids' argument. (Maybe all of the above at the same time?). And I had peace. I loved these words from John Mark's book: "The reality is God is your Father. You are his child. You will be okay. You just need to trust him." 

You are his child. You will be okay. Those two sentences have come to mind often through the craziness all week. 

Praise Jesus for reminding me that prayer and the Word meant that peace could guard my heart. Peace was not the absence of conflict of this week. Rather, I had "complete peace right in the middle of the chaos and the noise and the traffic of life." (Quote from John Mark's book). Peace and joy that came only by plodding through the day, by God's grace, with prayer and the Word. Just as the Israelites had just enough manna to get through each day - no more and no less - God provided enough of whatever I needed just to get through each moment. And, you know, it led to a harvest of abundant joy. 

So, the laundry and the mess and the tasks have waited while I've written this down today. But, memories fade, and I want to remember that this week God proved Himself to be the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone. 

Is He Enough?

Is He enough?

Is He?

I mean God, you know.

Is God enough? Just Himself. Not this life He has graciously given me. No what He provides for me. Not the blessings He has promised.

If my husband dies? Or my children? Do I believe He will be enough?

If we go bankrupt? Or lose our house? Do I believe He will be enough?

If I'm left all alone? If friends and family forsake me? Do I believe He will be enough?

In my study of Genesis this year, I came across one little verse that was full of an enormous idea. And now I just can't shake it. Oh, during the busyness of Christmas I was distracted from it. But . . . now that the decorations are put away, the new toys have found homes in the kids' rooms, and life was quiet for a week without our usual activities . . . it's tumbling around in my brain again.

Genesis 15:1 says this: ". . . the word of the Lord came to Abraham in a vision: 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.'"

Did you catch that? God says to Abraham: "I am . . . your very great reward."

God Himself is Abraham's reward.

Was Abraham okay with that? Was he satisfied with that? After all he'd given up at the Lord's command?  He'd left a comfortable life in Ur. He'd given up living near family and friends to live in a land full of strangers. He'd almost certainly given up a home with four walls and indoor plumbing (there was indoor plumbing in Ur, isn't that crazy??) for a nomadic life living in tents.

And then God says to me . . . Jocelyn, do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward.

And, am I okay with that?

Oh, I know He has always been enough in the past. Even on my darkest days, in my deepest suffering, in my most difficult circumstances, He has been enough.

And, I know the right Christian answer is to say, "Oh yes, God is my reward. He is my inheiritance and I am totally satisfied with Him and Him alone."

And you know, I want that to be my answer. I really do.

Yet my actions and attitudes give me away.

My fear gives me away.

God tells Abraham "do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward." He tells me the same thing. God has promised to never leave me or forsake me. Even if everyone else does. Even in the worst of circumstances. He promises He won't leave. But, yet I still fear those difficult circumstances. There are moments when fear grips my mind and soul and it won't let go. Where I find myself clinging so tightly to my earthly life and the things I like about it - my people, my time, my habits, my lifestyle, my stuff - sometimes down to the smallest details. Deathly afraid of what would happen if I lost any piece of it.

If I was truly satisfied with God being my reward, would I fear losing pieces of this earthly life the way that I do?

So, I sit here wrestling with the Lord over all of this in my heart. Maybe a little nervous about what lengths He might go to, to show me that He is truly a great reward. Still trying to get up the nerve to hit "publish" and put this out in blogger-land, for all of you to know my struggle. I started this post a week ago, and I'm still not sure how to end it. So, maybe I just won't. No flourish. No witty ending. No pretty bow to tie it all up . . . just the open-endedness of things that the Lord is still working out in and for me.

Thanksgiving, a 2 year old, and RIP MacBook

My presence in the blogger world has been lacking for the past week. Not due to morning sickness, extreme fatigue or busyness. No. It's because of a sweet munchkin who lives at my house. A munchkin who will remain nameless. But, one who spilled his/her entire cup of water over my Macbook.

Tragic.

R.I.P. Macbook. It was nice knowing you.

My Macbook has been sitting in its original box, full of rice, since Monday evening. We continue to hope against hope that the rice will absorb all of the water, and it will turn on again, by some miracle. There is a back-up plan (i.e. an appointment at the Apple Genius Bar). And I will be ecstatic if those Apple brainiacs can salvage my hard drive. Or at least some pictures. Oh. And maybe my Excel spreadsheet with EVERY address I need to send our sweet little Christmas cards, which are sitting on my desk waiting to be addressed. I had only made it through the D's by the time my computer met its tragic end.

In more important news, our family did indeed celebrate Thanksgiving. I took exactly zero pictures. That's right. Zero. Zero pictures of the wonderful, delicious and hilarious Thanksgiving that we enjoyed at Eric's Uncle Mike and Aunt Janie's house. But it did happen. Complete with pilgrim costumes, the turkey trot, and an ice cream cake that looked like a turkey.

Eric's Aunt Janie, who I adore, DID take an amazing picture, however. Of she and Uncle Mike in their pilgrim costumes. Hoping that these costumes make an appearance every year from now until forever.

And, Jameson did turn two years old last Saturday. He waited all day to be able to blow out his candles. Have I mentioned how much we love this guy?

#letsgetpraisy

My interweb friend, Jami Nato is running a fun link-up competition on her blog this week called #letsgetpraisy. If you don't read her blog, you should. Favorite blog ever. Seriously. Go read it. Now. And, while you are there, vote for my entry. Mmmkay? To vote, you post a comment on her blog. My entry is #55.

Anyway, Jami is constantly finding the Gospel in pop culture. Her Instagram account is full of pictures with the hashtag: #letsgetpraisy. They are photos of her kitchen chalkboard with the lyrics to pop music and the corresponding Bible verse. I bet Usher, Will Smith and Chris Brown never knew they were singing about Jesus. 

So . . . here is my #letsgetpraisy competition entry:

A song about Taylor Swift and yet another anonymous boyfriend. Or, is it really about the Apostle Peter walking on water with Jesus in the storm? I mean, I know that the Apostle Peter didn't wear a dress. But they wore those tunic-things back then right? So, it was sort of a dress??

Anyways . . . Convenient that I'd already written two blogposts back in May and June explaining how, somehow, Taylor Swift's song Fearless had screamed of Jesus to me. Yes, Taylor Swift. It's crazy how pop music can be all about the Gospel. 

Now go vote for my entry. Please?

Cain and Me

So, in the past few years I have developed a crazy love of the Old Testament. You all know about my slight obsession with the book of Isaiah. At the rate this year is going, I think Genesis is going to come in at a close second. Maybe even nudging Paul's letter to the Romans into third place (haha - am I such a dork or what, for ranking my fave Bible books).

Last week, I wrote about Genesis 3 and seeing my own reflection in Eve.  Well, the Lord decided to take things just one step further this week. He's saying that He's not done with me yet, or this portion of my heart. He has more to show me, more to peel back, more to dig up and unroot, and better fruit to replace it with.

Here's what God showed me through Genesis 4 this week:  that somewhere along the way, my heart has taken a wrong turn. A detour. Ugh. Not only am I a lot like Eve, sometimes I'm a lot like Cain. Yes, Cain, that guy who murdered his brother. 

Cain and Abel both brought their individual sacrifices before the Lord in Genesis 4. God looked with favor on Abel and his offering. But, God did not look with favor on Cain and his offering. God was not pleased with Cain. 

Now, we know from Hebrews 11:6 that what pleases God is faith. Further, "the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). And Hebrews 11:4 tells us that Abel offered his sacrifice by faith. 

So, it must be that Cain's offering wasn't made in faith. Cain made his offering as part of some sort of religious duty. There was something wrong with Cain's heart. As Cain's life plays out, we see his continuing resentment and anger toward God, his hardness of heart and his discontentedness with the circumstances the Lord had laid before him. He was so angry and hard hearted that he killed his brother. Based on Cain's attitude and other actions, it seems safe to say that he wouldn't have brought a sacrifice out of his love for God or his faith in God's goodness.

And this is where God struck me over the head this week.

Like I mentioned last week, I struggle with things like this:

I read every Christian book I could on biblical womanhood and being a "good wife." I followed all the rules. So, I didn't deserve to have difficulties in my marriage.

I tried so hard in that friendship or family relationship. I strived to love and show Jesus. To be kind and inclusive. But, I ended up misunderstood and slandered.

Here's another one:  I'm doing my best at this motherhood thing. I'm reading the books, praying for my kiddos, following the best Christian parenting advice. Why don't they obey 100% of the time - first time, all the way, with happy hearts?? (haha).

This week, God showed me where I have Cain's heart in all of this. I often serve others, do things "God's way," or try to follow all of the rules to gain something for myself. I don't do it consciously. And, I often truly do start off serving others or trying to do things "God's way" because I love Jesus and I desire to follow Him. He has given up everything for me, and there is a longing in my heart to give everything back to Him. 

And, then my sinful nature comes into play. My sinful nature that is so much a part of me that I don't even notice it taking over. It can start with one wrong thought or one wrong motive that I don't keep in check. Then it takes over. As God said to Cain, "But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7b). 

Think about Cain. He had spent his entire life living after "the Fall." I'm sure that his parents told him about life in Eden. That God had provided everything they needed, and more. That they had sinned. And about God's judgment upon them, sending them outside of the garden, to a life of toil and struggle. Maybe Cain had made many sacrifices over the years. Maybe Cain thought that after all the offerings their family had brought before the Lord, the Lord would have relented and let them back in Eden. Maybe Cain wasn't bringing his offerings to the Lord out of love, but rather in the hopes that he would gain something from God in reward for the offerings. And, maybe those thoughts became resentment or anger, when God didn't relent and didn't let them back into Eden, and life continued to be difficult. Cain didn't master his sin, sin devoured him, and he spent the majority of his life outside of God's presence (see Genesis 4). 

Often, just as it might have been for Cain, the wrong motive that creeps into my thought life is to gain something for myself:

I try to parent the "right way" so that my children will be obedient, and thus my life will be easier. I mean, how much easier would it be if my kids were obedient 100% of the time, and I didn't have to listen to fighting, arguing, backtalk, or give out consequences? 

I try to be a "good wife" to gain my husband's approval. So that he will like me. So that he won't change his mind or forget the reasons he married me. So that we won't have any struggle or strife in our marriage.

I strive in friendships and family relationships to gain and keep people's approval. 

And when things go wrong, I get resentful or angry with God because X + Y didn't equal Z. 

Ugh. Ugh. Bleh.

God is showing me that I need to confess my sin to Him. To confess that I don't always live my life in faith. And then seek His Holy Spirit help to live my life according to His Word, as a living sacrifice for Him. Just because I love Him. And asking Him to give me a sincere love for others. Not with some ulterior motive. Trusting Him, even when things don't go exactly the way I hoped. Trusting His Word, that it will produce eternal fruit, even when following Him doesn't produce the exact results I was expecting or hoping for. Trust Him when no one else notices the sacrifices I've made. Trust Him even if my kids are naughty and no one else approves of me.  

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. (1 Peter 1:22-25).

God's Word is the only thing that will stand forever. Maybe I will suffer now for following Him, for offering myself as a living sacrifice. But, this world will pass away. The people I love and serve will wither away like the grass and the flowers of the field.  Lord, would you show me the eternal value of serving you in faith? Would you keep my motives pure and keep my eyes on eternity? Would you cause me to serve you wholly with Abel's heart?

Eve and Me

Oh, Moses . . . Did you know, thousands of years ago, that your record of creation and the fall in Genesis was going to blow the socks off of a 2012 girl?  I am certain that Jocelyn Compton never crossed your mind as you memorialized such a beautiful and tragic account of history. That you never imagined that the words God spoke through you would turn my heart upside down. But God knew. God knew, when He breathed Genesis chapter 3 into existence, that I would exist someday. And that He would use those words to do a transforming work in me.

I can't say that I approached my study of Genesis 3 with any great expectation. Eric and I were headed over to Sunriver on Sunday morning. I had to have my entire week's BSF lesson done for Monday night. I just needed answers written on the page.

Then I got started. And God showed up. He met me in the passenger seat of our Jeep, driving over the mountains, listening to Mumford.

He showed me how much I'm like Eve. How much pride has a hold on me, just like it did on her. That I think I know better than God does. How whispers from the serpent can plant a seed of discontent with my circumstances. How Satan appeals to my self-determined "rights" --those circumstances and the life that I think I'm entitled to. As if I deserve anything at all.

Those little things I'm discontent with. There are moments where (gasp!) I find myself thinking that working outside the home sounds a lot better than being home. I mean, I have an advanced degree. I deserve a career and adult conversation, right?

I read every Christian book I could on biblical womanhood and being a "good wife." I followed all the rules. So, I didn't deserve to have difficulties in my marriage.

I tried so hard in that friendship or family relationship. I strived to love and show Jesus. To be kind and inclusive. But, I ended up misunderstood and slandered.

And I find myself listening to the whispers that say: "it's not fair. God is holding out on you. you played by His "rules." you did it His way. and look what it got you."

Like Eve, I focus on what I see as God holding out on me. I focus on the thing I think I deserve. Why life isn't "fair" from my perspective. The things that I want. That things that I think I need.

I forget Who He is. His Goodness. His Love. His Kindness. His Provision. His Atoning Sacrifice. The Eternal Life He gave, that I NEVER deserved. A million blessings that I somehow forget, as I focus on my "rights," just like Eve focused on that one forbidden tree. There she was in the Garden of Eden. With breathtaking beauty, a perfect marriage, abundant food and water, meaningful work, not to mention a perfect, unbroken relationship with her Creator. In the midst of all of that, all Eve could focus on was that darn tree. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The ONLY tree about which God had said "don't eat from it." (Genesis 2:16-17).

It's frustrating. I want to reach into her story and shake her. Don't you see, Eve??  Don't you see all that God has given you?  Quit looking at the stupid tree!  Change your thoughts. Focus on God. Think about ALL that He has done for you!  Think about all that He has given you!  God is right there. Run to Him, tell Him your struggle, and ask Him to help you to stay away from the tree!

And then, totally appalled, I see ME. I see ME in Eve. And God used Genesis 3 to shake ME up. To say: Don't you see, Jocelyn?  Don't you see all that I have given you?  Quit looking at the things that you don't have and the circumstances that haven't been perfect. Turn your eyes upon Me. Focus on Me. Think about ALL I have done for you!

And even better, God says: "I am right here!" We may not live in the Garden of Eden. Sin entered the world and separated us from God. But, He is still right here because of Jesus. Because Jesus paid the penalty for my sin, I can approach the throne of grace with confidence just like Eve could when she was in the Garden. (Hebrews 4:16)

Because of Jesus, I get to hear God saying: "Run to Me, tell Me your struggle, and ask Me to help you keep your thoughts off of your "rights" and your "discontent! I want to help you keep your focus on Me."

Without Jesus, the temptation to give in to discontent, grumbling, complaining and doubting God's love seems overwhelming to me. It's so easy to believe the lies about what I deserve, what I am entitled to. Satan is good at disguising the lies, since he is a schemer (Ephesians 6:11), and he "disguises himself as 'an angel of light.'"(2 Corinthians 11:14). He takes Truth and twists it. Just enough that it is hard to see the lie. I mean, how am I supposed to stand up against that?

But I am not defenseless. We are not defenseless. Satan is powerless against Jesus and against God's Word. Ephesians 6:11 says "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." God has given us prayer (1 Thess. 5:17). He has given us His Word. He has given us Himself. A Mighty Fortress and a Refuge from the lies.

And He is moving me (again) to choose Him. To run to Him. To respond to His truth instead of the lies. To keep my eyes turned upon Jesus.

A Mighty Fortress is Our God

A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God’s truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever.

Word & Music by Martin Luther, 1529

Blog Blessings

It's funny how I used to blog just to keep track of our family. I didn't want to lose our memories. I wanted far-away-family to be able to see how our kids were growing and changing. Then life got busier. And busier. My blog was set aside. And hundreds of pictures just sat in my computer. Unorganized. Unprinted. Un-remembered.

Then one day last October, I came across this girl named Jami's blog. It is amazing. It is crazy how I could read a blog written by someone I've never met, who lives half-way across the country, and realize how much her heart speaks to mine. It's like she speaks the same language. But I've never met her in real life.

Anyway - one of her blog posts was about being a good steward of memories. Not losing them. Preserving them for my kids and their kids and their grandkids. Giving my kids something to look back on when they grow up to they see how much I loved them and their dad, what we did, what I thought about them and life and Jesus.

I thought of all of our family's pictures. Our memories sitting on my computer. Neglected. Funny things my kids had said that had gone unrecorded. Details of family memories that are probably lost forever. And I decided to do something about it. I opened up my Macbook. Logged into my Blogger account, and started again. It's never too late.

Little did I know the adventure the Lord had for me through our little blog. Soon after I started to blog again, I knew the Lord was moving me to share more. To go beyond the surface of the pictures. To dig into our lives. Reality. That some of life is fun and sweet and pretty. But some of life is hard and ugly and struggle. Yet Jesus takes it all and makes it good and beautiful. He redeems. He saves. And, I was bursting inside, so badly wanting to give God the glory for it all.

Pretty soon, I found myself sitting on my bed with my Macbook, this stuff just pouring out of me onto the computer screen. And Eric kept saying, "yes, keep writing this stuff, keep sharing about real life and about Jesus." And some friends and family kept saying "yes, keep writing this stuff, sharing about real life and about Jesus." Jesus kept saying "yes, keep writing this stuff, sharing about real life and about Me."

And, He rewarded. I know I've said it before, but I just can't get over the way that He has encouraged me to keep going. When I've faced criticism or discouragement, time and again - exactly when I need it-  Jesus has sent other voices to say "keep going, keep writing this stuff, keep sharing Me."

My sweet friend, Jen. She and her wonderful mom are two of my biggest cheerleaders. 

Thank you if you've been one of those voices, by the way. I know it may not seem like a big deal, telling someone that you like this or that about their blog or something they've written. But, it always comes when I feel ready to give up and go back to only posting smiling faces and "today we made Christmas cookies" type of posts.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying, or if my words are clear, or if any of it makes sense to anyone but me. But, Jesus has used my blog to start conversations with other women that wouldn't have happened otherwise. It has deepened my already-existing friendships immensely. And it has given me new friendships with women who I'm coming to dearly love.

Last night we sat on a back patio having dinner with new friends. A friendship the Lord brought together in real life via two girls writing two blogs. Sarah and I could have crossed paths in many other ways and other times. But the Lord chose to use now and our writing to cause our families's lives to collide.

And we get the joy of experiencing the Lord, as He pulls back the veil just a bit so that we can see the way He weaves our lives and days with the journeys of others around us. And in those moments there is just no denying that He places us where we are. That He is Sovereign over our moments, our comings and goings. That He alone orchestrates where we are and who are we with. That He hems us in behind and before.

In Joshua 4, the Israelites finally crossed into Israel, under Joshua's leadership. The Lord told Joshua to tell twelve men to each take a stone from the Jordan River. The men were to carry them across the Jordan River, into Israel. The stones were set up as a memorial for the Israelites and their children to remember forever what the Lord had done for them.

We (thus far in life) don't have a river that needs crossing and we haven't been wandering in the desert for 40 years. We have other wanderings, other struggles. But, God shows up in the midst of it all in so many ways. Sometimes it's in providing a new friendship when we weren't expecting it.  Such a blessing. And as we interact with people who He has placed in our lives, they are almost like a memorial in themselves. They remind us of the way the Lord orchestrated a friendship. Far more fun than a dozen stones, I might add.

And, recording those moments where the veil is pulled back gives us memorials to look back on, later in life, in times of doubt. It gives us another way to remember. And then for our children to know and remember the ways God was at work in their lives, too. Ann Voskamp, in her book One Thousand Gifts, says, "[i]n memory, the shape of God's yesterday-heart emerges and assures of God's now-heart and reassures of his sure beat tomorrow."

Ann's words articulate my heart in blogging and recording our memories. That our family would look back and, in our own history, see God's faithfulness in the biggest details and the smallest. Then, when the next storm comes, we would be able to trust His goodness in the midst of it, even when we can't see clearly what He is doing, because He has always shown up in the past. And that we could live, walking into each of our tomorrows, without anxiety and worry because we know by experience just how Good He is.

Keep Going

So, I did it. I finally started Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I know I'm totally behind the times on this one. I feel like I'm the last one on the Ann Voskamp bandwagon. My best friend gave me the book last year on my birthday, and sadly it has sat on my bookshelf for almost a year. (The story of many books in my life).

But, today as we watched swim lessons, my dear friends Amybeth and Dana were talking about the book. They are both reading it right now. They inspired me to pull it off of my bookshelf and start it too.

I am through one chapter and I'm already so grateful I started this book. And I'm grateful for Ann Voskamp and the courage she had to lay bare her story. To open herself up to the world. To share what the Lord has taught her, that He might teach others through her.

I had to put down the book to write a quick blogpost.

To those of you who are writing your stories, blogging your journeys. I just wanted to say keep writing. Please keep sharing what you are learning. Your story has meaning and purpose. Jesus is using your struggles and triumphs in the lives of other women, as you are willing to share with whoever is listening/reading.

If you are feeling like no one is listening. If you are feeling like your writing is silly. If others are telling you it's silly. Or they don't like what you're saying. Or they don't understand why you would spend any of your time writing. Then listen to what my interweb friend, Kyle, said earlier this week (her blog is beautiful): "you are not silly. your blog is not silly. you aren't wasting your time. thank you for writing, creating, and inspiring this group of women to be who they were created to be, without shame. keep going." 


Take her words to heart. You are blessing me and so many other women. Please.Keep.Going.

Isaiah in My Heart

So . . . My sweet Mag-Mag (otherwise know as the uh-mazing Maggie) was over visiting the other day. And she mentions that I haven't written a theology-type post in awhile. All I can say is "I know."

I keep starting blogposts. And then deleting them. Starting again another day. And deleting again.

It doesn't mean that Jesus isn't at work in my heart. Oh, trust me, He is. I'm just having trouble articulating the ways He's pushing me, and teaching me, and the things He is showing me.

I will say that in the past month or so, God has proven to me (again) that He is going to show up in His Word. That He is going to use His Word to speak directly to my heart. In pointed ways. That bring Life. and Hope. and Comfort. and Peace. In ways that are so direct, that it takes my breath away.

Oh, I doubt myself at times. I think, "No way. This has to be coincidence. There is no way that these ancient words could really speak so directly to my life situation." But, I know that God's Word says that His Word is alive and active in me. (Thank you, Beth Moore) So, in faith, I attribute it to Him. Moving forward in faith, trusting that it is Him directing what I read and when I read it, and that His Holy Spirit is using it to shape and change my heart.

In God's sovereignty, I was in the BSF study of Isaiah during a trying and troubling time in 2010-2011. And God met me in the book of Isaiah. Every.Single.Day. In my personal study, in my weekly discussion group, and in the weekly lectures and notes. He just kept using Isaiah's ancient words to speak healing to my modern 2012 heart. The heart of a girl who felt like a mess. Who was struggling with issues. And hurts. And depression.

God was using His Word, spoken through Isaiah, to shout at me from the heavens:

"I'm here!" "I haven't left you!" "I will take your ashes and create beauty." "Don't be afraid, I am really with you!" "I will make water flow in your desert, your desert will blossom as a rose." "I am YOUR God!" 


More than once I have wished that I could just hug that prophet. Say thank you to Isaiah's face for his faithfulness to deliver God's words to His people, even in the face of persecution and mocking. Seriously. I would love to tell him the ways that the words he recorded have ministered to me today. I'll have my chance in Heaven, right?

Struggle for me looks different today then it did just one or two years ago.  But, one thing is the same: God has been using Isaiah's book in my life again. Daily.

Isaiah has a place in my heart that no other book in the Bible holds. Knowing that fact, Eric got me a book for Christmas called Isaiah by the Day by Alec Motyer. Motyer is a Bible scholar who has the same passion for Isaiah that I do. (Well, okay, his passion probably outweighs mine, considering he has devoted much of his life to it). The book is Motyer's translation of Isaiah, based on his extensive study and keeping as near to the Hebrew as possible. The scripture is divided into daily portions with tons of notes, followed by a devotion for each day.  I so badly wanted time to dig into it. But there it sat, on my bookshelf, for six months.

Then last month I took it off the shelf. And opened it up. I've been spending my time in the Word with this book as well as the corresponding passages of Isaiah in my good ole ESV.

And God keeps showing up. And it motivates me to keep digging in.  The Lord is using the book of Isaiah to keep me coming back for more.

When I feel frustrated with myself and my sinful nature God says:
Do not fear, Worm Jacob,
mere mortals of Israel. 
I have, myself, determined to help you --
and your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. (Isaiah 41:14)

Notice that God doesn't say that He will help the perfect people, those who are not struggling with sin, those who have it all together. He is talking to the Worm Jacob and mere mortals of Israel. And in reading that, I have confidence that means He is going to help me.

When I feel like my life, my priorities, the things I do are being judged critically by some around me, He gives me this:
As for me, I said, 
'For emptiness I have toiled;
without sense or substance I have exhausted my strength. 
However,
my judgment is with Yahweh, 
and my achievement is with my God.' (Isaiah 49:4)

God uses His Word to remind me that even if I think I've failed, even if my efforts feel like they lack any purpose, that some people don't see my efforts or understand my heart, He is still "my God." And I can let Him, and Him alone, be the judge of my life. As Motyer says, "He is sovereign in the accomplishing of his own will. Whatever he desired from my unworthy efforts, he will himself unfailingly achieve, and even turn disaster to triumph, bringing his good pleasure out of and in spite of my disasters." Praise Jesus for the freedom to serve Him, and Him alone, and to trust Him with the outcome.

And when I'm feeling like a situation might be hopeless, God says that He will take action and then
"you will know that I am Yahweh: 
those waiting confidently for me will not be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:23)

His words are what I cling to. Isaiah says that we can trust God. We can cling to His promises - waiting confidently, which also means with expectation. Expectation that He is going to show up. It gives me hope, and keeps me from despondency or depression. How can I head toward dark despondency over a situation when I know that I can wait for Him and that I will not be disappointed?!

So. . . that's some of where I've been lately in my heart. In the living of daily life. In the midst of daily chores, bike rides, tickle wars, laundry, swimming, eating ice cream, washing dishes, vacation, fireworks, more laundry, schoolwork with the kids, vacuuming, play-doh, running (okay, not so much), grocery shopping, making cookies, hanging out with friends, art projects, and just being. Nothing profound. But I wanted to record that God showed up when I needed Him. In breathtaking ways. And continues to call me to Himself.

More Wind and Rain

I'm lacking in eloquency this time around. And if I wait for the perfect words, this post will never get posted.  So, let's just jump right in and pick up where we left off in my post about being fearless. The disciples stuck it out with Jesus and soon found themselves in another storm.  But this time, Jesus wasn't with the disciples. He wasn't in the boat. The disciples battled this storm by themselves for about nine hours.

[By the way, what is it about Jesus and storms? Why did he choose storms to teach his disciples? Maybe because life on Earth sometimes feels like a storm? It's such an easy metaphor. And Jesus knew it would end up in His Word where He would use it to teach His disciples on earth in the present day.]

Photos courtesy of our fave Mag Mag, who baby-sat and cleaned my downstairs today, all at the same time. :)

Back to the story ... as the disciples are battling the storm, Jesus comes walking on the sea. In the storm. He calls out to the disciples "Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid." (Matthew 14:27)

Peter wants to walk on the water with Jesus. He can see Jesus, and he answers Him. He says "Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water." (Matthew 14:28).

And Jesus says, "come." So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God." (Matthew 14:27-33)

There are moments where I feel fearless. Like Peter, it's as if I'm taking steps on the water in the storm. I fix my eyes on Him. I can see the miracles that He does in me and for me. I know I was meant to live for Him. I'm surrendered and ready to hand everything over to Him. Willing to do anything He calls me to.

But then I start looking around at the swelling waves and the rolling sea . At the what-ifs and the if-onlys. At what this person is doing over here. And what that person is doing over there.

And I look to this side and see this person who doesn't approve, and this person who thinks my priorities are skewed, and this person who says I'm doing this wrong, and, oh, I dropped the ball here.

Just like that, I'm not walking on the water anymore. I take my eyes off of Jesus and I start to sink. I get flustered, overwhelmed, and frantic. I start trying to put out all of the fires at once. Do this to make that person happy. Oh, wait, do a little of this to make this person happy. Oh . . . and one more thing to prevent this person from being upset from me.

But really. really. Is that what God wants for me? Is that what He calls me to? Does He say, "make sure that everyone is happy with you all of the time?" Does He say that He will give me His approval only when people around me are happy with me? NO! God's affections for me do.not.change. Because I am in Jesus, I have His righteousness. And this is what is true about God:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save;
he will take great delight in you;
he will quiet you by his love;
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

He gives me His approval. He rejoices over me. He delights in me. When people have me running to and fro trying to gain their approval, God's love actually quiets me. Isn't the One who treats me with such steadfast affection the only one who is deserving of all my approval-seeking?

He tells me to stop looking at everyone else and trying to figure out how to gain all of their approval. God is a jealous God and He wants all of me. Paul says it like this: For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10). Plain and simple, God wants my eyes fixed on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. (Hebrews 12:2).

I just recently finished a book entitled Anything, written by Jennie Allen. Read.This.Book. Jennie says this:

"When I get still and hear the loudest thing in me, it is often that I am chasing everyone but God . . .  Love is jealous . . . especially God's love. He wants me and I want everyone else. ...


Every time I sit by the banks of my sin and my other loves, right as I think He is about to wipe me out because my heart feels so out of control, He steps into the river and redirects it. "The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will." (Prov. 21:1). It is only God who moves my heart. He chases me down and lures me back to him; while I am running after everyone else, he runs after me. God brings me back to the place where it fares well with me, reminding me he is my husband. There is no spinning, no fear, only perfect acceptance and peace. 


I can let other people down. If God is for me ... the God of the universe for me ... who could be against me? Who else do I fear?"


If all of the Gospel is true. If Jesus died for me . . . if eternal life is real . . . if Jesus is the one who saved me from eternal judgment . . . then how can I limit Him to a little box of religion in my earthly life? How can I be grateful that He saved me from eternal death, and not let Him invade every corner of my life and my heart? How can I not put my desire for His approval above all else? How can I give Him lip service of praise with my mouth and not hand over every other part of me and the stuff around me?

I've been tied up for much of my life desiring people's approval. Everyone else has come before God. Because the only way I was at peace with myself was if it seemed like everyone else was okay with me.  I wouldn't have said it with my words, but I didn't have to. My life said it for me. It gave me away. There was a time when I knew that God had called me to ministry as a career. But not everyone thought that was the best idea. So, I stuffed it. I set it on the shelf and never went back to it.

And, I have no one to blame but me. It wasn't anyone else's fault. I was the one who was choosing not to trust that God's approval was enough. And not to let Him have everything no matter what other people thought. In many ways, I had conformed to what seemed to be sensible, culturally acceptable, or the most practical and logical according to human thinking.

But God says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways . . .  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8).  God's Word says that our "spiritual worship" is "to present our bodies as a living sacrifice . . .." Our spiritual worship manifests itself in a physical way. Paul goes on to say "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind . . ." (Romans 12:2).

God's ways are higher than mine. His thoughts are different than mine. He wants me to follow Him. And in doing so, to offer my body . . . my life . . . my plans . . .  my dreams . . .  my expectations . . . all of who I am, everything I have, to Him as my act of worship. It means doing things in a way that is different from the way the world says to do them. Which means laying other people's approval down on the altar.

Am I ready? Ready to lay people's approval down on the altar? To walk with Jesus on the water through the storm of disapproval? Lately, I feel a lot like Peter, as if I'm looking around and starting to sink. But when Peter started to sink, Jesus didn't leave him there to drown. Rather, "Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'


The other eleven disciples knew the reality of who Jesus really is as they watched Jesus walk on water, let Peter walk on water, and pick Peter up when He started to sink. They proclaimed Him to be the Son of God. I know I'm not going to walk perfectly with Jesus. As much as I desperately want to live for His approval, and His alone, I get distracted by a desire for others to approve of who I am and what I do.

But like Jennie Allen said, He lures me back. He changes the river of my heart. He transforms my mind. The more I study the Word, the more I know Him. Which causes me to trust Him. And, in turn, trust that His approval is enough. And as I try to fix my eyes on Jesus alone, and imperfectly walk with Him on the water in the storm, maybe others will see who Jesus really is, worship Him, and call Him the Son of God.

My Goshen

There were four of us back then - Jocelyn, Keira, Mary Beth and Nicole.

I had known Mary Beth since second grade; Keira since third grade; and Nicole since middle school. I cannot believe I am posting these pictures. Keira might kill me (love you Kiki). And yes. We are reading Sweet Valley High books. Uhthankyou.

Wow. Keira. You are an amazing friend to have stuck with me through that hairstyle. And yes, I am wearing black knee high socks with that dress. I have no explanation for it. None at all. 

But, we became true friends for life our junior year of high school. We were not the most likely bunch to end up together. To this day, I'm not totally sure how we all became so close. But, these girls blessed the heck out of me. 

For lack of a better description, I felt lost in early high school. Then I had my first encounter with Jesus. Sitting on the floor of Terry and Joann Watson's garage, at Young Life club, I heard the whole Gospel for the first time. I went home that night and asked Jesus to be my Savior. Right after I started following Jesus, He provided these dear girls to walk alongside me.

I have sometimes thought of our friendship as similar to the way the Lord provided Goshen for the Israelites. At the very end of Genesis, God has moved the young nation of Israel to Egypt. The Israelite brother, Joseph, had ended up a key figure in Egyptian government. Through his political power, the people of Israel escaped famine. Long before the infamous days of slavery, they were given food and beautiful, lush land to live on in a region of Egypt called Goshen.  Israel was a fledgling nation, and young its faith. Living in Goshen, Israel was less likely to be absorbed into Egyptian culture. Israel was able to grow and flourish, learning how to live as God's people. People belonging to the one, true God.

Keira, Mary Beth, and Nicole, and their collective friendship, were my Goshen. They are the best kind of friends. They don't just tolerate my imperfections, loving me in spite of them. Instead, they fully embrace my quirks and my dysfunctions and love all of who I am. Each of them encouraged me to pursue Jesus. We attended Young Life Campaigners together to study the Bible. There was no pressure to party or chase boys. I still remember Mary Beth introducing me to music like Steven Curtis Chapman (see . . . my KLOVE roots run deep). And we ate lunch together every day at Mary Beth's house, across the street from our high school. Such a safe haven to grow up in my faith.

We graduated.

Mary Beth, Nicole, our faithful Young Life leader Joann, Jocelyn, Keira

We went our separate ways in life. Keira to Santa Clara University, Mary Beth and Nicole both to Pacific Lutheran University, and me to the University of Oregon. Each of us developed new friendships. Yet, these girls remained dear to my heart. When I was leading Young Life in college, I would email high school girls' names to Mary Beth and Nicole up in Tacoma, who faithfully prayed for my ministry. And I can still laugh at the mere thought of inside jokes that Keira and I have from elementary school. Oh Keira ... Do NED 661 and "ice cream in my armpits" ring a bell? Laughing out loud as I write this.

All the while, we knew that our dear, sweet Nicole was suffering from the effects of Cystic Fibrosis. Not that we ever heard a complaint. Nicole rarely said a word about CF. She was a serious fighter. There was the reality that she had to fight. She took on the challenge with vast amounts of courage. And faith. Nicole had a fierce love for her Savior. Jesus shined through her in her struggle and in her trial.

Jocelyn, Nicole and Mary Beth at Young Life's camp, Woodleaf 

We said good-bye to Nicole in the summer of 2003. Our little group of friends here on earth is one member short. She is already in the heavenly realms with Jesus.

Today we walked in the Great Strides walk in her honor. With Nicole's family and friends we walked together. It was a rare treat to be with both Keira and Mary Beth this morning, remembering Nicole in the pouring down rain. We cannot wait to get to Heaven and hug that girl!

Keira,  Jocelyn, Jameson, Mary Beth (oh, and the back of Eliza's head is next to me. She refused to turn around.)