He Does It Again

So, God showed up again. Not that I'm surprised. Well, maybe I am a little bit. In my humanness, I forget just how faithful He is.  Since I've already admitted that I'm a Christian music dork, I'll just say that whenever God shows up again (and again and again . . . ) it reminds me of these old Point of Grace lyrics:


You do it again, You do it again 
You speak to me just like a friend 
You always seem to show up right on time 
You do it again, I guess you know when 
My heart needs to hear your voice 
I'm so forgetful, that's why I'm thankful 
You do it again 

Sometimes I find myself wondering how in the world I am expected to know how to train up these children in the Lord. Where's the manual? Can't there just be a formula of x+y=z when it comes to raising little people? Even after reading "the best" parenting books I find myself stumped. What can I expect from them? What is just "kid behavior" that I need to let go of? How many activities are too many? What do I do about the quarreling? What do I do about the temper tantrums? Who gets the toy that they are fighting over? How do I discipline without causing shame?

More often than not, my confidence in my mom-skills is lacking. But, that's because I'm looking for my confidence in the wrong place. I'm looking for my confidence in myself, not in Jesus. I desperately want to be independent. I want to parent, be a wife, homemaker, friend and follower of Jesus by myself.  When it comes right down to it, I'm like my two-year-old who is determined to not hold my hand when we walk down the street, and who wants to do everything on his own so that he can proudly show me that he did it all by himself.

That's just not life following Jesus, not what He desires for us anyway. So, Jesus doesn't let me succeed on my own and in my own strength. He shows me that I require grace, and lots of it. As the amazing Paul David Tripp says in his book, Broken Down House:

Trying to live independent of the daily intervention of God and others is like trying to bake a cake in a washing machine. That washing machine is a wonderful creation, but it was never designed to do what you are asking it to do. All you will end up with is a soapy batter, a dirty machine, and a badly dented pan. Productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. This neediness only comes when you begin to understand and accept what the Bible has to say about sin, and daily reach out for the help that can only be found through the Lord Jesus Christ. 

This morning I was not feeling ready to face a day in the life of a stay at home homeschooling mom to four children. I felt grumpy and irritated and like I was going to just drag through the hours of this day. Then the Lord showed me something in Judges. Yes, Judges, of all books. God called Gideon to save the nation of Israel from the Midianites. Gideon's response is, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house." (Judges 6:15) Gideon was feeling his weakness. He looked at himself and his position in the world, and it didn't look too promising. 

But God knew Gideon's position and he still wanted Gideon to save Israel. He knew Gideon's personal neediness and it's just what the Lord wanted in a servant. Remember, productive living is always rooted in a humble sense of personal neediness. The Lord said to Gideon, "But I will be with you . . ." (Judges 6:16). Then as Gideon headed into battle, God trimmed Gideon's army down from 32,000 soldiers to just 300. Thirty-two thousand soldiers was just too many. "The Lord said to Gideon, 'The people with you are too many for me to give the Midianites into their hand, lest Israel boast over me, saying, 'My own hand has saved me.''" (Judges 7:2).






Do you know how often I say to the Lord, "How can I raise these children? How can I be a 'good wife?' How can I be the woman you've called me to be?" And His response is always, "I know your downfalls, But I will be with you." To Him, my personal neediness - my sin, my shortcomings, my humanness - are essential because realizing my sin is what will cause me to reach out for the help that I will only find in Jesus.

It seems that adding a fourth child to our home has just magnified my sin! I feel like it has magnified all of the reasons that tumble around in my head that make me want to shout to the Lord, "don't you see this job is too big for me?" Don't you see who I am? How do you expect me to give You to this family?" But, I think adding Morrow was like the Lord cutting down Gideon's army from 32,000 to just 300. He gives me much to handle lest I would ever boast over Him saying "my own hand" has accomplished anything. God's desire is not for me to be like my independent two year old. He doesn't want me coming to Him to say, look what I did ALL BY MYSELF!' He doesn't want me boasting over Him. He desires to be with me in my daily work. And He desires to use my daily work for His Glory.  

Truly, truly, is there anything better than that? Is there anything better than having the Lord take my daily grind - my mess, my struggle and my ordinary life - and turn it into a display of His Splendor? 

Life Goes On

In the midst of newborn craziness, life goes on. A few Saturdays back, our mission group took over a bowling alley for the most chaotic bowling experience you've ever seen. Kids far outnumbered adults.

After bowling, we moved the party to Dairy Queen where our kids laughed and laughed and ate ice cream way too close to bedtime and sang Taylor Swift songs a little too loud.

We are so blessed by these people - even the Beaver fans!

What's in a Name: Morrow Isaiah Edition

Four weeks ago, our hearts were bursting with joy as we welcomed baby Morrow Isaiah into the world and into our family. Joy. Pure joy. When we were walking through some of our darkest days, I clung to God's promises with every ounce of my soul. One of those promises is found in Psalm 30:5 that "weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning." In the midst of many tears, I was trusting Jesus that joy was truly going to come.

Another way of saying "morning" is "morrow," as found in one of our all time favorite devotionals, Charles Spurgeon's classic "Morning and Evening." The morning devotional for May 13 is based on Psalm 30:5 and beautifully explains our heart in choosing Morrow's name:

Christian! If thou art in a night of trial, think of the morrow; cheer up thy heart with the thought of the coming of thy Lord. Be patient, for

"Lo! He comes with clouds descending." 

Be patient! The Husbandman waits until He reaps His harvest. Be patient; for you know who has said, "Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give to every man according as his work shall be." If you are never so wretched now, remember

"A few more rolling suns, at most,
Will land thee on fair Canaan's coast."

Thy head may be crowned with thorny troubles now, but it shall wear a starry crown ere long; thy hand may be filled with cares-it shall sweep the strings of the harp of heaven soon. Thy garments may be soiled with dust now; they shall be white by-and-by. Wait a little longer. Ah! how despicable our troubles and trials will seem when we look back upon them! Looking at them here in the prospect, they seem immense; but when we get to heaven we shall then

"With transporting joys recount,
The labours of our feet."

Our trials will then seem light and momentary afflictions. Let us go on boldly; if the night be never so dark, the morning cometh, which is more than they can say who are shut up in the darkness of hell. Do you know what it is thus to live on the future-to live on expectation-to antedate heaven? Happy believer, to have so sure, so comforting a hope. It may be all dark now, but it will soon be light; it may be all trial now, but it will soon be all happiness. What matters it though "weeping may endure for a night," when "joy cometh in the morning?"

During my "night," I was in the midst of the Bible Study Fellowship study of Isaiah. Isaiah's beautiful prophecy, full of God's promises to His people, carried me through dark hours and breathed new life into my downcast soul. Further, Isaiah means "God saves," and God Himself saved us from the night. We could think of no better middle name for Morrow than the name of God's faithful servant, Isaiah. Welcome Baby Morrow. Sweet baby, you are a tangible expression to us of Jesus's salvation, redemption and joy.

We Made It

Tomorrow marks four weeks since we welcomed Morrow into our family. Wow. I had intended to blog more. Just so that I'd have some way to document our life with four kids, to be able to look back on someday when the delirium of sleep deprivation has worn off. But, the days have flown by in a seemingly endless series of that three-hour cycle. Eat. Awake. Sleep. The last four weeks have seemed like an eternity. And yet, at the same time, they have seemed like just one day.

My house looks like a tornado hit it. A tornado named Jameson who blows through while I'm stuck on the couch feeding a baby, unable to stop his path of destruction. Did you know that in a matter of 15 minutes, a two-year-old can open a cupboard, pull out every board game we own, and dump out every single piece into one big pile. He can also pull out every DVD case. Or every book. Or every toy in the toy bin. Phew. 

Jameson eating cheese on the floor surrounded by the pots and pans he pulled out

I also have no less than four loads of laundry to fold. I have two loads of folded laundry that need to be put away. I have another load of clothes that needs to be washed. And a load of sheets that need to be washed after a certain newborn pooped on our bed in the middle of the night, in the two seconds that a diaper was not secured. 

My kids' suitcase, that they took to their grandparents' house while I was in the hospital, is still sitting at the bottom of the stairs. Half-full. Don't trip on it as you walk into our house. I systematically empty it when I need clothes for them and we happen to be downstairs. 

There is a stack of thank you notes that need to be written. There is a box of baby announcements that need to be addressed and stuffed into envelopes. There are newborn baby pictures that need to be ordered. (Sorry Daveen - I promise I'll get to it). 

Seriously. It's wild. And, I don't know when all of it is going to get done. 

But, everyone is happy. Oh .... we had our share of tears this week - the kids' and mine. I've snapped and apologized. There have been a few rough moments. A few temper tantrums. Everyone has had to adjust. But!! We made it through our first week without Eric being home. And we didn't just scrape by. God showed up with abundant blessing throughout the whole week. 

Jameson on the carousel with Gram today to celebrate that we made it through the week! 

Sweet Eliza refuses to ride on a horse that moves, so she continues to ride on this little one every time we go!

Both of my younger boys are asleep at the same time (a blessing in itself). My older two are having "quiet time." And, I could sleep. Or I could take care of something off that list I just rattled off. But, I really need to stop and build an altar. Like Jacob did in Genesis. In Genesis 32, Jacob was afraid of his brother, Esau. Many years before, Jacob had deceived Esau and stolen his birthright and his blessing.  Because of Esau's anger, Jacob had been forced to flee his home. Now, returning home, Jacob feared what Esau would do to him. In his distress, Jacob called out to God for help, and reminded God of the promises He had made to Jacob. And God showed up and changed Esau's heart toward Jacob. So, Jacob built an altar to "the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone." (Genesis 35:3)

Last week, I was terrified at the prospect of being at home by myself with four kids. I'm not sure what exactly I thought was going to happen. Maybe I was afraid of kids melting down. Maybe I was afraid of me melting down. Or the house burning down? I don't know. But I was distressed. And I was crying a lot. So, I called out to God in my distress and recalled the promises that God has made to me in Scripture. 

God showed up. He answered me in my distress. And He proved He will continue to be with me wherever I go. Even into my first week as a mom on my own with four kids. Now I feel like I need to stop and make a written "altar" to who He is. 

Over the past couple of years, the Lord has impressed on my heart to be honest, to be an open book with my life. To be transparent - a word that used to scare the heck out of me. On Sunday, our first week back at church with Morrow, I didn't even try to hide my tears at church. I figured, if I cry then I cry. If I have to admit that I'm freaked out, then I'll admit it. When people have asked how I'm doing, I've been honest (a novel idea) and said I am good, we love this baby, but I am crying a lot. 

Transparency has been a huge blessing. Because Monday morning, I had friends, friends and more friends getting in touch to say that they were praying for my week. One friend dropped off some treats on my doorstep. Others left a voicemail checking in. My mother-in-law took Eliza to dance class for me. And my sister-in-law took Marshall to Bible study. In the midst of the hectic pace that four kids brings, I didn't feel so alone. Even though I didn't have time to chat with everyone  anyone or to even text everyone back, it was comforting knowing that I had community around me who knew how I was really doing. God showed up through the community of believers that He has built around our family.

Also on Sunday morning, as I told a friend that I'm struggling some, she mentioned a book that she had been reading, My Name is Hope: Anxiety, Depression, and Life after Melancholy, written by John Mark Comer (the pastor of Solid Rock Church in Portland). I downloaded it to my Kindle and started reading it on Sunday night, in the dark quiet of late night baby feeding. 

God used John Mark's description of taking every thought captive to speak to me. 2 Corinthians 10:5 says we are to "take every thought captive to obey Christ." I've heard those words so many times. But, I needed those words to fall afresh on me this week so I would apply them once again, now to my life as a new mom of four.  At 9:00 am, when I started to worry about how I was going to make it to 5:00pm, I shut down those worries. I focused on the task at hand instead. I asked the Lord to be with me right in that moment. Dealing with a temper tantrum, helping Marshall with math, changing a diaper, feeding a baby, being the referee in the older kids' argument. (Maybe all of the above at the same time?). And I had peace. I loved these words from John Mark's book: "The reality is God is your Father. You are his child. You will be okay. You just need to trust him." 

You are his child. You will be okay. Those two sentences have come to mind often through the craziness all week. 

Praise Jesus for reminding me that prayer and the Word meant that peace could guard my heart. Peace was not the absence of conflict of this week. Rather, I had "complete peace right in the middle of the chaos and the noise and the traffic of life." (Quote from John Mark's book). Peace and joy that came only by plodding through the day, by God's grace, with prayer and the Word. Just as the Israelites had just enough manna to get through each day - no more and no less - God provided enough of whatever I needed just to get through each moment. And, you know, it led to a harvest of abundant joy. 

So, the laundry and the mess and the tasks have waited while I've written this down today. But, memories fade, and I want to remember that this week God proved Himself to be the God who answers me in the day of my distress and has been with me wherever I have gone. 

What's in a Name?

Jameson Elliott Compton.

Our two year old. Pure joy. A smile that lights up any room. At least one thousand giggles a day.

I've shared before that Jameson was born in a dark time for Eric, me and our marriage. I'm not ready to share details with the interweb-world. But, let's just say it was dark. Sometimes I found myself sinking in an ocean of despair. Our personal struggles mixed with post-partum hormones were enough to push me into a deep depression. I remember laughing to myself at the idea that things would ever be truly good again, let alone better than before our mess. I was clinging to Jesus with everything I had. My only means of emotional survival was keeping the Word open on my kitchen counter, my bathroom counter, my nightstand and scrawled out on index cards on the dashboard of my car.

Through all of it, Jameson made us laugh. He rarely cried. Not only was he always joyful, Jameson was and still is a good eater, good sleeper, good traveller. Easy would be an understatement. As our pediatrician said not too long ago, Jameson was Jesus's way of letting me know that He was still there.

In Genesis, God tells Abraham that a post-menopausal and previously barren Sarah will bear him a child. A baby boy. Sarah overhears God speaking His promise to Abraham and she laughs to herself at the thought of bearing a child in her old age. God overhears Sarah's laughter and knows her thoughts. His response is: "Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:13)

In the midst of despair, Sarah laughed to herself at the thought of God's baffling promise. Like Sarah, in my darkest hours, there was a mix of faith and unbelief that marked my days. As I clung to Jesus in faith, I also had my own moments of doubt, laughing to myself over the thought that life could ever truly be good again.

Well, Sarah's story continued. When she found herself holding her first baby at 90 years old, she said "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."(Genesis 21:6-7). Sarah and Abraham named their son Isaac, which means son of laughter.

Once again, I find myself identifying with Sarah and her laughter, this time on the other side of seeing God's promises fulfilled. Eric and my story continued. Here Eric and I are, over two years later. Walking through life with a healed marriage, marked by God's redemptive hand. Jesus has proved that He redeems. He walked us right out of the darkness. He walked us into the light with deeper relationships with Himself and with each other. To God be the glory, great things He has done. Nothing is too hard for the Lord. I laugh with Sarah, knowing that God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me. Who would have said that Eric and I would have the marriage we do today, about to welcome our fourth baby into the world?

Now, I know I'm kind of jumping all over the place with this post. But there is a point, I promise. 

Names are a big deal in the Bible. God often re-names people. Abram became Abraham. Sarai became Sarah. Simon became Peter. Saul became Paul.  And now, Jameson Elliott is going to become Jameson Isaac. 

Call us crazy, but we are re-naming our two year old. Well, his middle name anyway. Jameson's names were just two that we liked. There was no special meaning behind Jameson or Elliott. Marshall's middle name is Eric's middle name. Eliza's middle name is Grace - it came out of our study of Paul's letter to the Romans, the year that I was pregnant with her. (Little did I know it would become the most popular girls' middle name in America!). And, our fourth baby's name is loaded with meaning (but that's a story for another post). 

So, it only seems fitting that Jameson gets a middle name with meaning too. Maybe it seems two years late. Maybe it seemed late when Sarah didn't have a baby until she was 90. But, God's timing with Sarah's Isaac was perfect. Maybe our marriage seemed hopeless. But, God's redemption was perfect. We think maybe this is just God's perfect timing for renaming our little guy Jameson Isaac, our own son of laughter.

Is He Enough?

Is He enough?

Is He?

I mean God, you know.

Is God enough? Just Himself. Not this life He has graciously given me. No what He provides for me. Not the blessings He has promised.

If my husband dies? Or my children? Do I believe He will be enough?

If we go bankrupt? Or lose our house? Do I believe He will be enough?

If I'm left all alone? If friends and family forsake me? Do I believe He will be enough?

In my study of Genesis this year, I came across one little verse that was full of an enormous idea. And now I just can't shake it. Oh, during the busyness of Christmas I was distracted from it. But . . . now that the decorations are put away, the new toys have found homes in the kids' rooms, and life was quiet for a week without our usual activities . . . it's tumbling around in my brain again.

Genesis 15:1 says this: ". . . the word of the Lord came to Abraham in a vision: 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.'"

Did you catch that? God says to Abraham: "I am . . . your very great reward."

God Himself is Abraham's reward.

Was Abraham okay with that? Was he satisfied with that? After all he'd given up at the Lord's command?  He'd left a comfortable life in Ur. He'd given up living near family and friends to live in a land full of strangers. He'd almost certainly given up a home with four walls and indoor plumbing (there was indoor plumbing in Ur, isn't that crazy??) for a nomadic life living in tents.

And then God says to me . . . Jocelyn, do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward.

And, am I okay with that?

Oh, I know He has always been enough in the past. Even on my darkest days, in my deepest suffering, in my most difficult circumstances, He has been enough.

And, I know the right Christian answer is to say, "Oh yes, God is my reward. He is my inheiritance and I am totally satisfied with Him and Him alone."

And you know, I want that to be my answer. I really do.

Yet my actions and attitudes give me away.

My fear gives me away.

God tells Abraham "do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward." He tells me the same thing. God has promised to never leave me or forsake me. Even if everyone else does. Even in the worst of circumstances. He promises He won't leave. But, yet I still fear those difficult circumstances. There are moments when fear grips my mind and soul and it won't let go. Where I find myself clinging so tightly to my earthly life and the things I like about it - my people, my time, my habits, my lifestyle, my stuff - sometimes down to the smallest details. Deathly afraid of what would happen if I lost any piece of it.

If I was truly satisfied with God being my reward, would I fear losing pieces of this earthly life the way that I do?

So, I sit here wrestling with the Lord over all of this in my heart. Maybe a little nervous about what lengths He might go to, to show me that He is truly a great reward. Still trying to get up the nerve to hit "publish" and put this out in blogger-land, for all of you to know my struggle. I started this post a week ago, and I'm still not sure how to end it. So, maybe I just won't. No flourish. No witty ending. No pretty bow to tie it all up . . . just the open-endedness of things that the Lord is still working out in and for me.

#letsgetpraisy

My interweb friend, Jami Nato is running a fun link-up competition on her blog this week called #letsgetpraisy. If you don't read her blog, you should. Favorite blog ever. Seriously. Go read it. Now. And, while you are there, vote for my entry. Mmmkay? To vote, you post a comment on her blog. My entry is #55.

Anyway, Jami is constantly finding the Gospel in pop culture. Her Instagram account is full of pictures with the hashtag: #letsgetpraisy. They are photos of her kitchen chalkboard with the lyrics to pop music and the corresponding Bible verse. I bet Usher, Will Smith and Chris Brown never knew they were singing about Jesus. 

So . . . here is my #letsgetpraisy competition entry:

A song about Taylor Swift and yet another anonymous boyfriend. Or, is it really about the Apostle Peter walking on water with Jesus in the storm? I mean, I know that the Apostle Peter didn't wear a dress. But they wore those tunic-things back then right? So, it was sort of a dress??

Anyways . . . Convenient that I'd already written two blogposts back in May and June explaining how, somehow, Taylor Swift's song Fearless had screamed of Jesus to me. Yes, Taylor Swift. It's crazy how pop music can be all about the Gospel. 

Now go vote for my entry. Please?

Family Advent Nights

We have the plague here at the Compton house. Boo. Okay, not really the plague . . . being dramatic. Just one kiddo down so far. Gram and Bampa kept our kids over night on Sunday night so Eric and I could stay the night in Portland. Marshall woke up at their house Monday morning with a fever. Poor Marshall. I can't remember the last time that he was really sick, and this definitely ruined the fun Monday he had planned with his grandparents.

This morning finds he and his sister on the couch watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Yes. The old school one. From the 1970s. Marshall and Eliza love it. Jameson is, well, being Jameson. Playing with trucks and trains. And hysterically loving the orange Oompa Loompas.

While the troops are occupied, instead of folding laundry, I thought I'd share a Christmas idea with you. I have Christmas on the brain. I found the Sirius/XM Christmas music stations and already preset them in my car. My Pinterest Christmas board is filling up. I have more Christmas crafts than I can count planned for the next month.

And . . . Advent is starting soon, December 2nd to be exact. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Advent season, advent means "coming." During Advent, we celebrate the "coming" of Jesus. It is a season of waiting and preparation for celebrating Jesus' birth at Christmas.

For the first few years that we had kids, we wanted to do more during Advent to focus on Jesus. Eric and I just weren't sure what to do, or how to do it. Then Eric started receiving weekly emails from Todd Wilson at Familyman Ministries. Through Familyman, Eric found what we'd been needing. Todd Wilson wrote a blogpost last year describing their family's Family Advent Nights, and we started following their model last year. I say, "we." I should really say "Eric," since this was all planned and initiated by him.

So, I thought I'd write a similar blogpost on our blog this year, in case any of you were needing ideas for Advent. Because sometimes you come across something so good, that you just can't keep it to yourself! And, it's okay as I copy as long as I give credit, right?  (Familyman didn't pay me or give me anything free - I really just think you all need to know about this!)

At our house, we have Family Advent Night every Sunday night during the Advent season. But, you could pick any night of the week that fits in your family's schedule. Family Advent Night consists of the Bible, an Advent wreath, a snack, a craft and a read-aloud storybook.

We use the following Bible passages from the Familyman blog to read each week. Each passage correlates with one of the advent wreath candles. We light one candle the first week. Two candles the second week. Three candles the third week, etc.

• Week 1 – Prophecy candle (Isaiah 9:1-7)
• Week 2 – Bethlehem candle (Luke 1:1-56)
• Week 3 – Angel candle (Micah 5:2 & Luke 2:2-5)
• Week 4 – Shepherd candle ( Luke 2:8-20)
• Christmas Eve – Christ candle (John 1:1-18)

The Familyman website has amazing Christmas storybooks to read-aloud each week of Advent. Eric ordered the books, not sure what to expect. The books ended up being one of the best parts of our Christmas season last year. They are creative, beautiful and point to the Gospel.  We can't wait to read them again. This year, they've added books on CD. So, after each Family Advent Night, we are going to give the corresponding book on CD to the kids so they can listen to it for the rest of the season. 

The other, and maybe best thing, about the Familyman website is that they sell craft kits. They are inexpensive - about $2 per kit. So, $8 per child for the season. The only thing that you need to add is glue. They are really simple, which is perfect for including pre-school age kids and for their non-craft-inclined moms (like me!). And they make planning Advent night easy and a lot less overwhelming! 

The only thing I had to do was put together an advent wreath, prepare snacks each week, and buy some glue.  And really, we discovered our kids didn't care about the details of what we did. They just loved that it was Christmas-y and that our family was together talking about Jesus. Eliza says that it was her favorite part of Christmas last year. See how easy it can be? So, let's get planning mamas! 

Cain and Me

So, in the past few years I have developed a crazy love of the Old Testament. You all know about my slight obsession with the book of Isaiah. At the rate this year is going, I think Genesis is going to come in at a close second. Maybe even nudging Paul's letter to the Romans into third place (haha - am I such a dork or what, for ranking my fave Bible books).

Last week, I wrote about Genesis 3 and seeing my own reflection in Eve.  Well, the Lord decided to take things just one step further this week. He's saying that He's not done with me yet, or this portion of my heart. He has more to show me, more to peel back, more to dig up and unroot, and better fruit to replace it with.

Here's what God showed me through Genesis 4 this week:  that somewhere along the way, my heart has taken a wrong turn. A detour. Ugh. Not only am I a lot like Eve, sometimes I'm a lot like Cain. Yes, Cain, that guy who murdered his brother. 

Cain and Abel both brought their individual sacrifices before the Lord in Genesis 4. God looked with favor on Abel and his offering. But, God did not look with favor on Cain and his offering. God was not pleased with Cain. 

Now, we know from Hebrews 11:6 that what pleases God is faith. Further, "the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). And Hebrews 11:4 tells us that Abel offered his sacrifice by faith. 

So, it must be that Cain's offering wasn't made in faith. Cain made his offering as part of some sort of religious duty. There was something wrong with Cain's heart. As Cain's life plays out, we see his continuing resentment and anger toward God, his hardness of heart and his discontentedness with the circumstances the Lord had laid before him. He was so angry and hard hearted that he killed his brother. Based on Cain's attitude and other actions, it seems safe to say that he wouldn't have brought a sacrifice out of his love for God or his faith in God's goodness.

And this is where God struck me over the head this week.

Like I mentioned last week, I struggle with things like this:

I read every Christian book I could on biblical womanhood and being a "good wife." I followed all the rules. So, I didn't deserve to have difficulties in my marriage.

I tried so hard in that friendship or family relationship. I strived to love and show Jesus. To be kind and inclusive. But, I ended up misunderstood and slandered.

Here's another one:  I'm doing my best at this motherhood thing. I'm reading the books, praying for my kiddos, following the best Christian parenting advice. Why don't they obey 100% of the time - first time, all the way, with happy hearts?? (haha).

This week, God showed me where I have Cain's heart in all of this. I often serve others, do things "God's way," or try to follow all of the rules to gain something for myself. I don't do it consciously. And, I often truly do start off serving others or trying to do things "God's way" because I love Jesus and I desire to follow Him. He has given up everything for me, and there is a longing in my heart to give everything back to Him. 

And, then my sinful nature comes into play. My sinful nature that is so much a part of me that I don't even notice it taking over. It can start with one wrong thought or one wrong motive that I don't keep in check. Then it takes over. As God said to Cain, "But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." (Genesis 4:7b). 

Think about Cain. He had spent his entire life living after "the Fall." I'm sure that his parents told him about life in Eden. That God had provided everything they needed, and more. That they had sinned. And about God's judgment upon them, sending them outside of the garden, to a life of toil and struggle. Maybe Cain had made many sacrifices over the years. Maybe Cain thought that after all the offerings their family had brought before the Lord, the Lord would have relented and let them back in Eden. Maybe Cain wasn't bringing his offerings to the Lord out of love, but rather in the hopes that he would gain something from God in reward for the offerings. And, maybe those thoughts became resentment or anger, when God didn't relent and didn't let them back into Eden, and life continued to be difficult. Cain didn't master his sin, sin devoured him, and he spent the majority of his life outside of God's presence (see Genesis 4). 

Often, just as it might have been for Cain, the wrong motive that creeps into my thought life is to gain something for myself:

I try to parent the "right way" so that my children will be obedient, and thus my life will be easier. I mean, how much easier would it be if my kids were obedient 100% of the time, and I didn't have to listen to fighting, arguing, backtalk, or give out consequences? 

I try to be a "good wife" to gain my husband's approval. So that he will like me. So that he won't change his mind or forget the reasons he married me. So that we won't have any struggle or strife in our marriage.

I strive in friendships and family relationships to gain and keep people's approval. 

And when things go wrong, I get resentful or angry with God because X + Y didn't equal Z. 

Ugh. Ugh. Bleh.

God is showing me that I need to confess my sin to Him. To confess that I don't always live my life in faith. And then seek His Holy Spirit help to live my life according to His Word, as a living sacrifice for Him. Just because I love Him. And asking Him to give me a sincere love for others. Not with some ulterior motive. Trusting Him, even when things don't go exactly the way I hoped. Trusting His Word, that it will produce eternal fruit, even when following Him doesn't produce the exact results I was expecting or hoping for. Trust Him when no one else notices the sacrifices I've made. Trust Him even if my kids are naughty and no one else approves of me.  

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart. For you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For, "All men are like grass and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever. (1 Peter 1:22-25).

God's Word is the only thing that will stand forever. Maybe I will suffer now for following Him, for offering myself as a living sacrifice. But, this world will pass away. The people I love and serve will wither away like the grass and the flowers of the field.  Lord, would you show me the eternal value of serving you in faith? Would you keep my motives pure and keep my eyes on eternity? Would you cause me to serve you wholly with Abel's heart?

Eve and Me

Oh, Moses . . . Did you know, thousands of years ago, that your record of creation and the fall in Genesis was going to blow the socks off of a 2012 girl?  I am certain that Jocelyn Compton never crossed your mind as you memorialized such a beautiful and tragic account of history. That you never imagined that the words God spoke through you would turn my heart upside down. But God knew. God knew, when He breathed Genesis chapter 3 into existence, that I would exist someday. And that He would use those words to do a transforming work in me.

I can't say that I approached my study of Genesis 3 with any great expectation. Eric and I were headed over to Sunriver on Sunday morning. I had to have my entire week's BSF lesson done for Monday night. I just needed answers written on the page.

Then I got started. And God showed up. He met me in the passenger seat of our Jeep, driving over the mountains, listening to Mumford.

He showed me how much I'm like Eve. How much pride has a hold on me, just like it did on her. That I think I know better than God does. How whispers from the serpent can plant a seed of discontent with my circumstances. How Satan appeals to my self-determined "rights" --those circumstances and the life that I think I'm entitled to. As if I deserve anything at all.

Those little things I'm discontent with. There are moments where (gasp!) I find myself thinking that working outside the home sounds a lot better than being home. I mean, I have an advanced degree. I deserve a career and adult conversation, right?

I read every Christian book I could on biblical womanhood and being a "good wife." I followed all the rules. So, I didn't deserve to have difficulties in my marriage.

I tried so hard in that friendship or family relationship. I strived to love and show Jesus. To be kind and inclusive. But, I ended up misunderstood and slandered.

And I find myself listening to the whispers that say: "it's not fair. God is holding out on you. you played by His "rules." you did it His way. and look what it got you."

Like Eve, I focus on what I see as God holding out on me. I focus on the thing I think I deserve. Why life isn't "fair" from my perspective. The things that I want. That things that I think I need.

I forget Who He is. His Goodness. His Love. His Kindness. His Provision. His Atoning Sacrifice. The Eternal Life He gave, that I NEVER deserved. A million blessings that I somehow forget, as I focus on my "rights," just like Eve focused on that one forbidden tree. There she was in the Garden of Eden. With breathtaking beauty, a perfect marriage, abundant food and water, meaningful work, not to mention a perfect, unbroken relationship with her Creator. In the midst of all of that, all Eve could focus on was that darn tree. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The ONLY tree about which God had said "don't eat from it." (Genesis 2:16-17).

It's frustrating. I want to reach into her story and shake her. Don't you see, Eve??  Don't you see all that God has given you?  Quit looking at the stupid tree!  Change your thoughts. Focus on God. Think about ALL that He has done for you!  Think about all that He has given you!  God is right there. Run to Him, tell Him your struggle, and ask Him to help you to stay away from the tree!

And then, totally appalled, I see ME. I see ME in Eve. And God used Genesis 3 to shake ME up. To say: Don't you see, Jocelyn?  Don't you see all that I have given you?  Quit looking at the things that you don't have and the circumstances that haven't been perfect. Turn your eyes upon Me. Focus on Me. Think about ALL I have done for you!

And even better, God says: "I am right here!" We may not live in the Garden of Eden. Sin entered the world and separated us from God. But, He is still right here because of Jesus. Because Jesus paid the penalty for my sin, I can approach the throne of grace with confidence just like Eve could when she was in the Garden. (Hebrews 4:16)

Because of Jesus, I get to hear God saying: "Run to Me, tell Me your struggle, and ask Me to help you keep your thoughts off of your "rights" and your "discontent! I want to help you keep your focus on Me."

Without Jesus, the temptation to give in to discontent, grumbling, complaining and doubting God's love seems overwhelming to me. It's so easy to believe the lies about what I deserve, what I am entitled to. Satan is good at disguising the lies, since he is a schemer (Ephesians 6:11), and he "disguises himself as 'an angel of light.'"(2 Corinthians 11:14). He takes Truth and twists it. Just enough that it is hard to see the lie. I mean, how am I supposed to stand up against that?

But I am not defenseless. We are not defenseless. Satan is powerless against Jesus and against God's Word. Ephesians 6:11 says "Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil." God has given us prayer (1 Thess. 5:17). He has given us His Word. He has given us Himself. A Mighty Fortress and a Refuge from the lies.

And He is moving me (again) to choose Him. To run to Him. To respond to His truth instead of the lies. To keep my eyes turned upon Jesus.

A Mighty Fortress is Our God

A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing;
Our helper He, amid the flood of mortal ills prevailing:
For still our ancient foe doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great, and, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.

Did we in our own strength confide, our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side, the Man of God’s own choosing:
Dost ask who that may be? Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth, His Name, from age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled, should threaten to undo us,
We will not fear, for God hath willed His truth to triumph through us:
The Prince of Darkness grim, we tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure, for lo, his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers, no thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours through Him Who with us sideth:
Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also;
The body they may kill: God’s truth abideth still,
His kingdom is forever.

Word & Music by Martin Luther, 1529

Blog Blessings

It's funny how I used to blog just to keep track of our family. I didn't want to lose our memories. I wanted far-away-family to be able to see how our kids were growing and changing. Then life got busier. And busier. My blog was set aside. And hundreds of pictures just sat in my computer. Unorganized. Unprinted. Un-remembered.

Then one day last October, I came across this girl named Jami's blog. It is amazing. It is crazy how I could read a blog written by someone I've never met, who lives half-way across the country, and realize how much her heart speaks to mine. It's like she speaks the same language. But I've never met her in real life.

Anyway - one of her blog posts was about being a good steward of memories. Not losing them. Preserving them for my kids and their kids and their grandkids. Giving my kids something to look back on when they grow up to they see how much I loved them and their dad, what we did, what I thought about them and life and Jesus.

I thought of all of our family's pictures. Our memories sitting on my computer. Neglected. Funny things my kids had said that had gone unrecorded. Details of family memories that are probably lost forever. And I decided to do something about it. I opened up my Macbook. Logged into my Blogger account, and started again. It's never too late.

Little did I know the adventure the Lord had for me through our little blog. Soon after I started to blog again, I knew the Lord was moving me to share more. To go beyond the surface of the pictures. To dig into our lives. Reality. That some of life is fun and sweet and pretty. But some of life is hard and ugly and struggle. Yet Jesus takes it all and makes it good and beautiful. He redeems. He saves. And, I was bursting inside, so badly wanting to give God the glory for it all.

Pretty soon, I found myself sitting on my bed with my Macbook, this stuff just pouring out of me onto the computer screen. And Eric kept saying, "yes, keep writing this stuff, keep sharing about real life and about Jesus." And some friends and family kept saying "yes, keep writing this stuff, sharing about real life and about Jesus." Jesus kept saying "yes, keep writing this stuff, sharing about real life and about Me."

And, He rewarded. I know I've said it before, but I just can't get over the way that He has encouraged me to keep going. When I've faced criticism or discouragement, time and again - exactly when I need it-  Jesus has sent other voices to say "keep going, keep writing this stuff, keep sharing Me."

My sweet friend, Jen. She and her wonderful mom are two of my biggest cheerleaders. 

Thank you if you've been one of those voices, by the way. I know it may not seem like a big deal, telling someone that you like this or that about their blog or something they've written. But, it always comes when I feel ready to give up and go back to only posting smiling faces and "today we made Christmas cookies" type of posts.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying, or if my words are clear, or if any of it makes sense to anyone but me. But, Jesus has used my blog to start conversations with other women that wouldn't have happened otherwise. It has deepened my already-existing friendships immensely. And it has given me new friendships with women who I'm coming to dearly love.

Last night we sat on a back patio having dinner with new friends. A friendship the Lord brought together in real life via two girls writing two blogs. Sarah and I could have crossed paths in many other ways and other times. But the Lord chose to use now and our writing to cause our families's lives to collide.

And we get the joy of experiencing the Lord, as He pulls back the veil just a bit so that we can see the way He weaves our lives and days with the journeys of others around us. And in those moments there is just no denying that He places us where we are. That He is Sovereign over our moments, our comings and goings. That He alone orchestrates where we are and who are we with. That He hems us in behind and before.

In Joshua 4, the Israelites finally crossed into Israel, under Joshua's leadership. The Lord told Joshua to tell twelve men to each take a stone from the Jordan River. The men were to carry them across the Jordan River, into Israel. The stones were set up as a memorial for the Israelites and their children to remember forever what the Lord had done for them.

We (thus far in life) don't have a river that needs crossing and we haven't been wandering in the desert for 40 years. We have other wanderings, other struggles. But, God shows up in the midst of it all in so many ways. Sometimes it's in providing a new friendship when we weren't expecting it.  Such a blessing. And as we interact with people who He has placed in our lives, they are almost like a memorial in themselves. They remind us of the way the Lord orchestrated a friendship. Far more fun than a dozen stones, I might add.

And, recording those moments where the veil is pulled back gives us memorials to look back on, later in life, in times of doubt. It gives us another way to remember. And then for our children to know and remember the ways God was at work in their lives, too. Ann Voskamp, in her book One Thousand Gifts, says, "[i]n memory, the shape of God's yesterday-heart emerges and assures of God's now-heart and reassures of his sure beat tomorrow."

Ann's words articulate my heart in blogging and recording our memories. That our family would look back and, in our own history, see God's faithfulness in the biggest details and the smallest. Then, when the next storm comes, we would be able to trust His goodness in the midst of it, even when we can't see clearly what He is doing, because He has always shown up in the past. And that we could live, walking into each of our tomorrows, without anxiety and worry because we know by experience just how Good He is.

Isaiah in My Heart

So . . . My sweet Mag-Mag (otherwise know as the uh-mazing Maggie) was over visiting the other day. And she mentions that I haven't written a theology-type post in awhile. All I can say is "I know."

I keep starting blogposts. And then deleting them. Starting again another day. And deleting again.

It doesn't mean that Jesus isn't at work in my heart. Oh, trust me, He is. I'm just having trouble articulating the ways He's pushing me, and teaching me, and the things He is showing me.

I will say that in the past month or so, God has proven to me (again) that He is going to show up in His Word. That He is going to use His Word to speak directly to my heart. In pointed ways. That bring Life. and Hope. and Comfort. and Peace. In ways that are so direct, that it takes my breath away.

Oh, I doubt myself at times. I think, "No way. This has to be coincidence. There is no way that these ancient words could really speak so directly to my life situation." But, I know that God's Word says that His Word is alive and active in me. (Thank you, Beth Moore) So, in faith, I attribute it to Him. Moving forward in faith, trusting that it is Him directing what I read and when I read it, and that His Holy Spirit is using it to shape and change my heart.

In God's sovereignty, I was in the BSF study of Isaiah during a trying and troubling time in 2010-2011. And God met me in the book of Isaiah. Every.Single.Day. In my personal study, in my weekly discussion group, and in the weekly lectures and notes. He just kept using Isaiah's ancient words to speak healing to my modern 2012 heart. The heart of a girl who felt like a mess. Who was struggling with issues. And hurts. And depression.

God was using His Word, spoken through Isaiah, to shout at me from the heavens:

"I'm here!" "I haven't left you!" "I will take your ashes and create beauty." "Don't be afraid, I am really with you!" "I will make water flow in your desert, your desert will blossom as a rose." "I am YOUR God!" 


More than once I have wished that I could just hug that prophet. Say thank you to Isaiah's face for his faithfulness to deliver God's words to His people, even in the face of persecution and mocking. Seriously. I would love to tell him the ways that the words he recorded have ministered to me today. I'll have my chance in Heaven, right?

Struggle for me looks different today then it did just one or two years ago.  But, one thing is the same: God has been using Isaiah's book in my life again. Daily.

Isaiah has a place in my heart that no other book in the Bible holds. Knowing that fact, Eric got me a book for Christmas called Isaiah by the Day by Alec Motyer. Motyer is a Bible scholar who has the same passion for Isaiah that I do. (Well, okay, his passion probably outweighs mine, considering he has devoted much of his life to it). The book is Motyer's translation of Isaiah, based on his extensive study and keeping as near to the Hebrew as possible. The scripture is divided into daily portions with tons of notes, followed by a devotion for each day.  I so badly wanted time to dig into it. But there it sat, on my bookshelf, for six months.

Then last month I took it off the shelf. And opened it up. I've been spending my time in the Word with this book as well as the corresponding passages of Isaiah in my good ole ESV.

And God keeps showing up. And it motivates me to keep digging in.  The Lord is using the book of Isaiah to keep me coming back for more.

When I feel frustrated with myself and my sinful nature God says:
Do not fear, Worm Jacob,
mere mortals of Israel. 
I have, myself, determined to help you --
and your redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. (Isaiah 41:14)

Notice that God doesn't say that He will help the perfect people, those who are not struggling with sin, those who have it all together. He is talking to the Worm Jacob and mere mortals of Israel. And in reading that, I have confidence that means He is going to help me.

When I feel like my life, my priorities, the things I do are being judged critically by some around me, He gives me this:
As for me, I said, 
'For emptiness I have toiled;
without sense or substance I have exhausted my strength. 
However,
my judgment is with Yahweh, 
and my achievement is with my God.' (Isaiah 49:4)

God uses His Word to remind me that even if I think I've failed, even if my efforts feel like they lack any purpose, that some people don't see my efforts or understand my heart, He is still "my God." And I can let Him, and Him alone, be the judge of my life. As Motyer says, "He is sovereign in the accomplishing of his own will. Whatever he desired from my unworthy efforts, he will himself unfailingly achieve, and even turn disaster to triumph, bringing his good pleasure out of and in spite of my disasters." Praise Jesus for the freedom to serve Him, and Him alone, and to trust Him with the outcome.

And when I'm feeling like a situation might be hopeless, God says that He will take action and then
"you will know that I am Yahweh: 
those waiting confidently for me will not be disappointed." (Isaiah 49:23)

His words are what I cling to. Isaiah says that we can trust God. We can cling to His promises - waiting confidently, which also means with expectation. Expectation that He is going to show up. It gives me hope, and keeps me from despondency or depression. How can I head toward dark despondency over a situation when I know that I can wait for Him and that I will not be disappointed?!

So. . . that's some of where I've been lately in my heart. In the living of daily life. In the midst of daily chores, bike rides, tickle wars, laundry, swimming, eating ice cream, washing dishes, vacation, fireworks, more laundry, schoolwork with the kids, vacuuming, play-doh, running (okay, not so much), grocery shopping, making cookies, hanging out with friends, art projects, and just being. Nothing profound. But I wanted to record that God showed up when I needed Him. In breathtaking ways. And continues to call me to Himself.