What's in a Name: Morrow Isaiah Edition

Four weeks ago, our hearts were bursting with joy as we welcomed baby Morrow Isaiah into the world and into our family. Joy. Pure joy. When we were walking through some of our darkest days, I clung to God's promises with every ounce of my soul. One of those promises is found in Psalm 30:5 that "weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning." In the midst of many tears, I was trusting Jesus that joy was truly going to come.

Another way of saying "morning" is "morrow," as found in one of our all time favorite devotionals, Charles Spurgeon's classic "Morning and Evening." The morning devotional for May 13 is based on Psalm 30:5 and beautifully explains our heart in choosing Morrow's name:

Christian! If thou art in a night of trial, think of the morrow; cheer up thy heart with the thought of the coming of thy Lord. Be patient, for

"Lo! He comes with clouds descending." 

Be patient! The Husbandman waits until He reaps His harvest. Be patient; for you know who has said, "Behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give to every man according as his work shall be." If you are never so wretched now, remember

"A few more rolling suns, at most,
Will land thee on fair Canaan's coast."

Thy head may be crowned with thorny troubles now, but it shall wear a starry crown ere long; thy hand may be filled with cares-it shall sweep the strings of the harp of heaven soon. Thy garments may be soiled with dust now; they shall be white by-and-by. Wait a little longer. Ah! how despicable our troubles and trials will seem when we look back upon them! Looking at them here in the prospect, they seem immense; but when we get to heaven we shall then

"With transporting joys recount,
The labours of our feet."

Our trials will then seem light and momentary afflictions. Let us go on boldly; if the night be never so dark, the morning cometh, which is more than they can say who are shut up in the darkness of hell. Do you know what it is thus to live on the future-to live on expectation-to antedate heaven? Happy believer, to have so sure, so comforting a hope. It may be all dark now, but it will soon be light; it may be all trial now, but it will soon be all happiness. What matters it though "weeping may endure for a night," when "joy cometh in the morning?"

During my "night," I was in the midst of the Bible Study Fellowship study of Isaiah. Isaiah's beautiful prophecy, full of God's promises to His people, carried me through dark hours and breathed new life into my downcast soul. Further, Isaiah means "God saves," and God Himself saved us from the night. We could think of no better middle name for Morrow than the name of God's faithful servant, Isaiah. Welcome Baby Morrow. Sweet baby, you are a tangible expression to us of Jesus's salvation, redemption and joy.

What's in a Name?

Jameson Elliott Compton.

Our two year old. Pure joy. A smile that lights up any room. At least one thousand giggles a day.

I've shared before that Jameson was born in a dark time for Eric, me and our marriage. I'm not ready to share details with the interweb-world. But, let's just say it was dark. Sometimes I found myself sinking in an ocean of despair. Our personal struggles mixed with post-partum hormones were enough to push me into a deep depression. I remember laughing to myself at the idea that things would ever be truly good again, let alone better than before our mess. I was clinging to Jesus with everything I had. My only means of emotional survival was keeping the Word open on my kitchen counter, my bathroom counter, my nightstand and scrawled out on index cards on the dashboard of my car.

Through all of it, Jameson made us laugh. He rarely cried. Not only was he always joyful, Jameson was and still is a good eater, good sleeper, good traveller. Easy would be an understatement. As our pediatrician said not too long ago, Jameson was Jesus's way of letting me know that He was still there.

In Genesis, God tells Abraham that a post-menopausal and previously barren Sarah will bear him a child. A baby boy. Sarah overhears God speaking His promise to Abraham and she laughs to herself at the thought of bearing a child in her old age. God overhears Sarah's laughter and knows her thoughts. His response is: "Why did Sarah laugh? Is anything too hard for the Lord?" (Genesis 18:13)

In the midst of despair, Sarah laughed to herself at the thought of God's baffling promise. Like Sarah, in my darkest hours, there was a mix of faith and unbelief that marked my days. As I clung to Jesus in faith, I also had my own moments of doubt, laughing to myself over the thought that life could ever truly be good again.

Well, Sarah's story continued. When she found herself holding her first baby at 90 years old, she said "God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me." And she added, "Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age."(Genesis 21:6-7). Sarah and Abraham named their son Isaac, which means son of laughter.

Once again, I find myself identifying with Sarah and her laughter, this time on the other side of seeing God's promises fulfilled. Eric and my story continued. Here Eric and I are, over two years later. Walking through life with a healed marriage, marked by God's redemptive hand. Jesus has proved that He redeems. He walked us right out of the darkness. He walked us into the light with deeper relationships with Himself and with each other. To God be the glory, great things He has done. Nothing is too hard for the Lord. I laugh with Sarah, knowing that God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me. Who would have said that Eric and I would have the marriage we do today, about to welcome our fourth baby into the world?

Now, I know I'm kind of jumping all over the place with this post. But there is a point, I promise. 

Names are a big deal in the Bible. God often re-names people. Abram became Abraham. Sarai became Sarah. Simon became Peter. Saul became Paul.  And now, Jameson Elliott is going to become Jameson Isaac. 

Call us crazy, but we are re-naming our two year old. Well, his middle name anyway. Jameson's names were just two that we liked. There was no special meaning behind Jameson or Elliott. Marshall's middle name is Eric's middle name. Eliza's middle name is Grace - it came out of our study of Paul's letter to the Romans, the year that I was pregnant with her. (Little did I know it would become the most popular girls' middle name in America!). And, our fourth baby's name is loaded with meaning (but that's a story for another post). 

So, it only seems fitting that Jameson gets a middle name with meaning too. Maybe it seems two years late. Maybe it seemed late when Sarah didn't have a baby until she was 90. But, God's timing with Sarah's Isaac was perfect. Maybe our marriage seemed hopeless. But, God's redemption was perfect. We think maybe this is just God's perfect timing for renaming our little guy Jameson Isaac, our own son of laughter.

Happy Anniversary to Us

Eric and I started dating on October 21, 2003. By Thanksgiving, Eric had picked out a ring. We were officially engaged on January 21, 2004. We were babies back then!

We were married on May 1, 2004 in an old little church on a hilltop in Hopewell.

Photos courtesy of Jenny Hill Photography

I was preggers with Marshall Thomas nine months later. We move fast, to say the least.

And, the last eight years have gone by lightning fast. Some of the harder days have seemed slow. But where have the years gone? We have learned that there is still a lot to learn about each other. We have seen each other at our best . . .  and at our worst (including my short haircuts and the sixty pounds I gained with each of my first two pregnancies. thank you Eric for enduring - it was brutal. ha!)

We have faced joy and heartbreak. The miracle of new life in welcoming three beautiful kiddos into the world. The miracle of new life, as God has breathed new life into our marriage. By God's grace alone we have made it this far. It is a miracle that God can take two sinners, hold them together and sustain them through the power of His Son.  ... in Him all things hold together. (Colossians 1:17b). To God be the glory. Great things He has done.

After all we've been through, I wouldn't choose anyone else, Eric Compton. You love me, encourage me, and know me in a way that no one else ever has. You continue to point me to Jesus as we grow in the Gospel together. You forgive much, and offer me grace every day. Eight years later I love you more than ever.

Marriage, Soup and Reality

So - anyone who has ever had a post-baby dinner delivered by our family is likely aware of my ability to rock chicken tacos. It's not like it's hard. Just toss boneless, skinless chicken breast (frozen or fresh), some chicken broth and a package of taco seasoning into the crockpot. Let it cook. It works on any setting. I've done it for four hours, six hours, eight hours and ten hours. So . . . every setting on my crockpot. It works the same every time. If you happen to have an amazing husband like mine who makes homemade chicken broth it will taste even better. But, canned chicken broth works just fine.

New topic. But it's related. I promise. I have this new-ish friend named Ashley H. (Not to be confused with Ashley H. of The Bachelor-fame) (And ... ahem ... she needs a blog... just saying, Ash...).  Have you ever had one of those friends who, as soon as you meet them, you like them? Ashley is one of those friends. She quickly endeared herself to my heart with her love for the Lord and her love for my kiddos. And she's fun, an added bonus!  It is so easy to look at this young woman's life and see how she has been the Lord's from the time she was little. I've been blessed by her a bunch in the last few months.

Ashley is married to Eric's longtime friend, Sean. Sean and Ash are newlyweds. They've been married for a short and sweet six months. By the way - here are some BEAUTIFUL pics of their wedding. Ash did a lot of the decor herself. Look at the pics and you'll see why she needs her own blog ASAP. (Come on, Ash . . . you know you want to). Plus, they are just one adorbs couple!

I have been impressed by their desire to build their marriage right from the start. Sometimes, the first year of marriage isn't 100% smooth sailing, and they have been determined to work out those kinks early on. They've been spending Thursday evenings at our home with us watching the Mars Hill Church sermon series, Real Marriage. You can download the sermon series FREE at the Mars Hill website. And, there is a correlating book written by Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife, Grace.

We have dinner together on Thursday nights before we watch the sermon. A few weeks back, they showed up with this chicken tortilla soup for dinner. Ohmyyum.

Ashley H's Tortilla Soup 

Ingredients:

3-4 chicken breasts, cooked & shredded (If you're short on time, you can cook the chicken in a 9x13 glass pan in the microwave. Seven minutes per pound.)

1 can chicken broth 

1 can cream of chicken soup

2 tbsp taco seasoning

1 can diced tomatoes

1 can black beans

1 can whole kernel corn

1 can diced green chiles

Directions: Combine chicken broth, cream of chicken (plus one can water) and taco seasoning in a pot on medium heat. Whisk together until blended. Shred your chicken. Add chicken to the broth/soup/seasoning mixture. Stir. Add tomatoes, beans (I drain the beans a little bit, but I don't rinse them), corn and chiles. Mix well. Keep on medium heat for 20-25 minutes, stirring often. When it’s all ready to eat, top with cheese. Serve with tortilla chips and sour cream.

How easy is that?? So - I told you this related to me making meals for people. I think this is my new go-to. Forget chicken tacos. If you've had a baby recently and we are bringing you dinner, speak up if you don't want this. Because you can be 99% certain that this is what I'll be holding on your doorstep when I come bearing dinner.

Finally, I've had some people mention recently that they think my house must be spotless all the time. To dispell the myth, I'm swallowing my pride and posting the following pictures. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) by the end of the day my kitchen looks like, well, a disaster. And, sometimes it even looks like this in the morning. Like, first thing in the morning. Because I didn't clean up the mess the night before. Here's the proof. Here's my daily reality. And, you can't even see the cookie that Jameson took around the house and smashed all over the floors while I made soup while making one twenty minute phone call. But, the soup was worth it - like heaven in a bowl. And the conversation was a little slice of heaven too - thanks Katie K for the sweet fellowship over the phone this afternoon. Made. My. Day.

The Cross and The Spirit

All right. I need to do some writing. Just a warning, this is not so light and fluffy. I don't even know if this is good. Or coherent. It's about God's redemptive power over sin. God is working some stuff out in my head and in my heart. Stuff about the way that the cross of Christ works out practically in my life. It is hard to wrap my brain around the concept because I can't see it with my physical eyes, but that doesn't make it unimportant. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:18)

I'm learning that the power of the Cross and the power of the Spirit are ideas that are difficult to articulate with language - spoken or written. They are concepts that are best defined by experience.  Like, I know it when I see it. Which makes sense because "... the kingdom of God is not a matter of talk but of power." (1 Cor. 4:20). I seem to see the Cross and the Spirit most clearly in relationships. And . . . since the main relationship in my life is my marriage, it seems to be full of my most vibrant examples.

In all of our marriages, there are two sinners involved. Whether I want to face it or not, my husband is a sinner. He is going to sin against me. And . . . I am going to sin against him. God says it is true ("no one will be declared righteous in his sight by observing the law" Romans 3:20a. and "For all  have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 (emphasis added)). It's going to be different in every relationship, how sin manifests itself. But it is going to exist. No way around it. Life on earth will be full of struggle.

For example, the other morning I was really frustrated with Eric.  Why?  Well, um, I'm not really sure now. That's just how important this incredibly pressing matter was - I can't remember it just four days later. But, anyway, I was laying in bed getting more and more frustrated as he was sleeping soundly next to me at 4:30am, completely ignorant of my brewing resentment. Poor guy - he was totally helpless as I lay there building my case.

Oh, I know Proverbs 19:13 ". . . and a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping." And, I remembered Proverbs 21:9 "Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." But, my thought process was . . . if I don't wake Eric up and talk nag him about this, this thing will never change. (Because it is so life-alteringly important - so important I didn't remember it four days later, remember?).  And, I thought - I know that all of the Christian women's resources say, instead of nagging my husband, to pray for him. Trust the Lord to change his heart.  Blah, Blah, Blah.  If I really want things to change I have to SAY something.

Now - even if I decided not to wake Eric up at o'dark-thirty to talk nag, I could still nag with my actions later in the day and still get my point across.  It looks like this: We both wake up.  I don't really talk. I make the bed in the loudest possible manner. I sigh. A lot. I unload the dishwasher with a lot of clanging. He asks me what's wrong. I say, "nothing."

Oh. The games wives play. Whew - I have some issues going on in my heart.  You think? A good old fashioned example of my sinful nature rearing its ugly head.

But the cross of Christ offers so much hope. I can leave my husband's sin against me at the cross.  And, I can leave my sin against him at the Cross. The Cross can solve any division in my marriage. Jesus paid the penalty for both of our sin at the Cross. To hold on to bitterness or resentment, to bring up the other's sin again and again, to keep a record of wrongs (1 Cor. 13:5) is to attempt to exact a penalty out of each other. Which is ridiculous. The entire penalty was paid over 2,000 years ago.

And, the Cross reminds me that I'm just as much of a sinner as Eric is. I needed, and continue to need, that Cross for my salvation just as much as Eric does. Jesus forgave the depths of my sin. The deep, dark sinful condition of my heart that no one but Jesus can even begin to fathom. How can I deny Eric the forgiveness that Jesus gives to me without condition? (Check out Matthew 18:21-35)

I'm not saying that we should just sweep everything under the rug and immediately "forgive and forget." There are issues and hurts to be worked through in order for our relationship to grow, mature and move forward. And, as wives we do have a role of lovingly and prayerfully helping our husbands become more like Jesus by encouraging them to follow Him better. Which sometimes means helping them to see how sin is manifesting itself in their lives. (Here's some good stuff on our role as wives - I will just put the link here instead of trying to reinvent the wheel.)

But, I must leave the justice to Jesus. God proved that He doesn't take sin lightly when He sent His son to die a horrendous death on the cross. And, loving, godly discipline is God's to handle in each of our lives.

My role is to be the wife that God called me to be. God wants me to build my husband up. Proverbs 14:1 "The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down." And, Eric is an amazing guy.  Why would I want to tear him down??? I can bring life to my home by my words. Proverbs 18:21: "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit."

And, this is where the Power of the Spirit enters the scene. When Jesus died on the Cross and rose again, Jesus enabled His Spirit to indwell me and to empower me to do the things He has called me to. I'm not left to my own power. Thank goodness.  Because really - if we stop to think about it - what wife REALLY wants to tear down her husband (and therefore, her house) and who wants to bring DEATH by her tongue.  And what wife really wants her husband to prefer to live on a corner of the roof??

So, as I laid in bed the other morning I prayed. (Woo hoo!!  Thank you Jesus!) And, I wasn't quarrelsome. Only by the Power of the Holy Spirit, I was able to trust God and do it His way. I trusted that my role is to build up and bring life. And as I prayed, God showed me that what I was frustrated with was really more about me than about Eric. It was good. And, it gave us a much more enjoyable day. All because of Jesus.

Funny. I'd been pondering this idea of the Power of the Cross and the Power of the Spirit. I had asked the Lord to make it real to me, to help me understand it more fully. And, He did. He gave me a tangible example in my own life of the way that the Cross and the Spirit work together. And kept my hubs off of the rooftop for another night. Ha!

If you are desiring to read some more along these lines there are two encouraging, biblical posts on the Mars Hill Church blog.  Here and Here.

For the Display of His Splendor

One of my biggest blessings since saying "Hey, my life isn't perfect," here on the blog has been the amazing fellowship that I've had with other women.  Real fellowship.  Not just "Hey, how are you?"  We're good. How are you? We're good." I have been blessed a hundred times over by other women who have come to me via phone, email or in person and said, "my life isn't perfect, either, let's talk sometime." It's been such a great conversation starter. This is real fellowship and it is so good and has been a tremendous blessing to me!

1 John 1:8 says "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us." Because really, if I claim that I have not sinned then I make him out to be a liar.  (1 John 1:10). At the heart of it, the reason for not admitting that life is full of struggles is my own pride.  Not wanting others to think less of me.  I want to keep up the image that I have it all together.  Yet, 1 John 2:16-17 says "For everything in the world . . . the boasting of what he has and does . . . comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."

When I admit to my (and our family's) struggles I am admitting that I have a need. The need for a Savior.  Jesus actually guaranteed that this life would be full of struggles - for those who believe in Him and those who don't. The apostle John recorded Jesus saying "In this world you will have trouble."  (John 16:33)  Really, is this a surprise to anyone? Every person I really know as a friend admits to having struggles.  To keep them hidden away, to only boast of those things that I have and do which I think of as praiseworthy or admirable, is to deny God the Glory that is His due.

I want to say things have been hard because Jesus said they would be. But, the beauty is that the struggles can drive us to eternal perspective. When things are hard here on Earth, it compels me to depend on Jesus Christ. I can "take heart" ... He has overcome the world (including my own and others sin, selfishness and pain.). When things are hard here on Earth, it drives me to desire the perfection of eternal life, and causes me to find my satisfaction in Jesus and Him alone.

And, it makes me want to shout from the rooftops (or apparently, shout through my blog) that Jesus provides redemption, restoration, and beauty in the midst of my struggles. He promises "to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3).  It is just so overwhelming to see Him fulfill that promise - in the biggest or smallest details in this life.  Uh-mazingly. Awesomely. Good.

Why My Husband Rocks

There are a million reasons why my husband rocks.  This weekend just seemed to be jam-packed with examples.  Saturday afternoon he didn't care that I went and ran errands by myself.  And that I took a little (from Eric: a lot)  longer than expected because the MAC girls at Nord's looked bored, so I let them do my eye make-up.

He took me out to dinner at Screen Door in Portland with some of our fave friends. Conrad and Kari. Yes, we take pictures of our food. Go ahead.  Covet that dinner.  Best fried chicken ever. We haven't eaten since then. Ha!

This is the weekend where we finished - wait, let me restate that - started and finished 99% of one of the biggest projects we've wanted to finish.  It took a good portion of Monday.  Pretty much the whole day. We are waiting for one picture to be done at the framing store. Then this project will be 100%  finished, and I will post photos of the finished project.  Because I know you're all dying to see it.  And you should be.  Because Eric is amazing.  And a little OCD about straight lines, which is why it took the whole day.  But, I'm not complaining because what he did looks incredible, if I do say so myself.

As if finishing one huge project wasn't enough, Eric did more than that.  It was a three day weekend but rather than just veg-ging (how do you spell that?) he worked a lot for me on our house.  He hung at least 30 pictures and Jameson's room is (finally, 14 months later) finished.

Sorry this picture is blurry, but I was stuck with my iPhone.  My camera battery died because I leave the camera on all the time.

And, he roasted a chicken.  Uh.maz.ing.

I'm not writing this post to make all you wives out there envious of my super-hero hubs.  The thing is, Eric is an awesome guy. a treasure. a true "catch." But, keeping with my recent theme . . . he's not perfect.  And neither am I (working on that perfectionist thing in me.  it's taken me a long time to get comfortable with the fact that I can't be perfect.)

We've faced heartache in our marriage.  Heart break at realizing that we are both sinners.  That we are going to hurt each other.  In ways big and small. And, when we do either (a) our worlds will fall apart or (b) we will press into Jesus and learn the true meaning of faith, hope and love. (eek - sounds like a bad Point of Grace song from the 90's . . . maybe you don't know who Point of Grace is.  I will just embrace my dorkiness and admit to being a Contemporary Christian Music nerd. I can't help it).

Seriously though, I just finished studying First Thessalonians this past week.  Talk about a treasure.  It is one of those little "T" letters in the back of the New Testament that I've skipped over countless times.   
In it, Paul writes to the young church at Thessalonica: "We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.  (1 Thess. 1:3)."  Just like the Thessalonians, our work, labor and endurance (in our marriage and otherwise) are not prompted or rooted in a good heart or being a "good person." They are a direct result of the  faith, hope, and love which are a gift as "God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given." (Romans 5:5). He is the one who has convicted of us of our need for Him and drew us to Himself.

When Eric and I got married in 2004, it was the second marriage for both of us.  We both felt like this time we had it right.  We're good this time around.  We're more mature.  We've got it figured out. We've found the right person.  Um, pride issues?  What we've had to learn, especially this past year, is that Jesus is what makes this marriage work.  It's not us having figured things out, or finding the right person, or striving to be the perfect spouse.  "He [Jesus] is before all things, and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:17), including each of us individually and our marriage.

When we face hard times, pain caused by each other, it is because of Jesus and his redemptive work on the cross that we can say "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." (Genesis 50:20). It might sound harsh, but there are times when Eric and I hurt each other and we definitely didn't intend it for good.  However, God intends to use even that yuck for good.  And we know "that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28).

We've learned to love grief, heartache, and conflict because of the good that is inevitably on the other side. We can forgive each other.  Sometimes it seems crazy to me, the ability to forgive.  I often wonder how it is even possible. But that's because it is impossible.  Humanly impossible, anyway. But, as Jesus has invaded my heart and Eric's, we are given the power to see each other the way Christ sees us and love each other the way Christ does even when we are unworthy of it or have treated each other poorly. (And, Jesus knows full well (and so does Eric - ha!) that I am so unworthy). Paul prayed for the Thessalonians that the Lord would "make (their) love increase and overflow for each other and for everyone else." (1 Thess 3:12). I'm learning to pray that same thing for myself - that God would do this in me!

Through this hard year, we've learned how to fight.  I like to fight, I like conflict.  I guess there's a reason I went to law school, eh? Now Eric fights back.  Things get worked through, and the conflict is so good. We've experienced the Gospel in a tangible way. And, Eric leads me and this family to love Jesus better than ever.  He prays with me, he prays with our kids. We treasure and value what we have more than ever.

So, I am thankful for my husband.  He is a true super-hero hubs (super-hero who needs Jesus). I heart him. I mean, check out this cute tush.  What's not to love?

And he makes really cute babies.

Getting All Serious On You

I had a sweet friend comment yesterday that my family looks so happy here on my blog and how glad she is for us.  And, we are happy.  We really are.  But, for awhile this past year we were choosing joy.  Because that's what God's Word says to do.  Paul says in his letter to the church at Philippi: "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: rejoice!"  Did you catch that?  It says rejoice always.  Not just when we are "happy," not just when things are going the way we wanted,  but always.

And get this - the (unknown, but oh so wise) author of Hebrews says in 12:1:  Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  You notice it doesn't say "the race we have planned."  Haha.  We persevere in the good plans that our Good, Wise and Sovereign God has set before us; plans that sometimes don't seem so good to us or wise.

There was a time this past year when I was having to make the choice daily to rejoice.  Praying that Jesus would cause His joy to be planted deep in my heart, no matter how difficult life seemed from my human perspective.  Marriage was hard - really, really hard. We were in marriage counseling (gasp! we aren't perfect. surprise! but we are doing awesome now. crazy in love. and I have the name of an uh-mazing, biblical, funny counselor from Portland in my back pocket if you need it.  just ask.  I won't judge or pry for details. you can even tell me you are asking "for a friend").

Here's a pic of Eric and I after the Night Life run down at Gallaghers the other night (sorry honey - I know I said that it wouldn't be on the blog but I had my fingers crossed!):

Raising kids was exhausting. I was struggling with some level of depression.  I had moments where I missed my mom A LOT (yes, still, seven years later). And, it was causing me to grapple with the Truth that it is God who is Sovereign over this life and all of its details, not me.  Learning that I have control issues (hahaha! you didn't know that did you?  just kidding - all of you who are around me have known that for a loooonnnng time.  hello - germ-a-phobe-ness?  Thank you Shanna for the onesie that says "Please Don't Touch Me; My Mom is Paranoid!"  LOL!)

Haha!  A not so perfect picture.

The last thing I want is for you all to read my blog and feel like I have it all together.  Because I don't. A few months back, I had a sweet, sweet long-time friend, who I don't see too often, ask how it was going with three kids and then followed up with  "I imagine you have it down. You are just one of those moms!" Ummm - wake-up call for me.  If that is what I'm projecting then I've got to learn to be more real.  To let go of my pride and let my real self show.  Because if anyone really saw me they would know that I'm not "one of those moms."

I don't want you to leave my blog discouraged, feeling like I'm just another mom/wife/woman/person that has it all together when you don't.   Eric actually discourages me from reading some blogs because I finish reading and I feel awful.  I don't feel inspired, I don't feel encouraged. I feel like shiz (for lack of a better word) because my house isn't as cute, I'm not as crafty, I can't cook (although I can bake - LOL!), I'm not as thoughtful of a mom/friend/wife/daughter; I feel unorganized and am reminded that I have virtually no decorating ability, I feel like the worst meal planner ever - thus our embarrassing amount of take-out eating, and my laundry room is often piled with a mountain of clothes that need to be folded and put away.

See - I should have taken a picture before I divided everything into baskets.  But, just imagine.  ALL of these clothes were on the floor of my laundry room and every time we need something we just go digging.  Like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Just FYI  (keeping it real) those clothes are NOT folded in those baskets.  Just divided up by family member now to make it easier to find things.

And, in those moments (not always from reading blogs - sometimes just from the world, or magazines, or just being with friends or whatevs . . .) I tend to start piling on the guilt. I start putting each one of those criticisms on myself and begin letting it define me.  Especially if I'm not spending time in the Word to gain some perspective.  I forget to let my identity of belonging to Jesus define me.  And, then in my guilt I don't go to Him, I try to hide from Him.

Yet, there is good news - the GOSPEL. Hebrews 4:16 says "Let us then approach the throne of GRACE with CONFIDENCE, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  I forget that it is a throne of GRACE (there is a reason that Grace is Eliza's middle name - because I need grace, a lot of it).  It isn't a throne where I go to brag about how great I'm doing on my own.  To demonstrate why I'm so awesome and how well I'm keeping His rules. Because I'm not, and I can't.  My sinful heart won't do anything good apart from Him.

It is where I find mercy and grace for all of the things that I want to be, but in my humanity they would be impossible.  And, I let Him direct what He wants me to be and what He wants me to do.

And, I can go to Him with confidence.  Not because I have it all together.  Confidence that He won't turn me away because Jesus already paid the price for me to be able to approach Him, despite my lack of  deserving-ness (is that a word?)  And, confidence that He understands because "...we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are -- yet was without sin." (Hebrews 4:15)

And God is awesome.  Insanely awesome.  Because He makes things beautiful for those who He has called to Himself.  He takes the broken and makes it whole. And I want to admit how broken I am.  Because to deny that or hide it is to deny God the glory He deserves.

So - now I've gone and gotten all serious on you.  And, you thought I was just going to blog about the recent happs in my family.  So, if you've stuck with me through this stuff - the stuff that the Lord is working out in my heart - then here's a cute picture of Jameson being a mischief-maker today.  A mischief-maker with a runny nose. He's a total monkey and climbs everything.  We heart him.