Two months.
Two months ago I said that I was going to start blogging again, and I did. Three times.
Then I didn't, because life has been raw, and messy and a lot of it doesn't make any sense to me. If my life doesn't make sense to me, then I can understand how it makes even less sense to anyone and everyone else. And I have an incredibly difficult time when I am misunderstood. Plus, I have been committed to be real, honest and vulnerable. I wasn't ready to change that, but I also wasn't ready to be vulnerable on here about what I was walking through.
For two years, I had written about having a redeemed marriage. In the midst of dealing with extreme difficulty in my marriage I found Jami Nato's blog. Actually, the Lord found it for me. Jami and I had almost exactly the same story, and after reading her words I felt a strong nudge from Jesus to be similarly honest on my own blog.
Eventually that honestly went from being incredibly scary to being almost comfortable. It was life-changing for me. It changed my friendships, my family and my walk with Jesus. Taking the risk to be vulnerable was one of the most significant decisions I have ever made and I would never go back to masking who I really am and trying to protect my image.
But, all of a sudden I didn't have a redeemed marriage anymore. On May 22, my entire world flipped upside down and I began life as a single mom of four kids. I think I haven't written lately because I haven't really wanted to type that out. Seeing those words in black and white on the screen in front of me means that they are real and that this is my life.
Everyday I wake up and walk it out. It looks nothing like I thought it would. I can get up and get dressed and love my kids and do the things that Jesus has called me today because he goes before me, with me and behind me. He has hemmed me in on every side, and because of that I have been able to live abundantly in the midst of the thing I was most afraid of in this life.
In Exodus, the Israelites were told to take steps. To leave Egypt, to wander toward the Red Sea, to cross the Red Sea, how to get water, and exactly how much (and when to take) manna and quail for food. (See Exodus 12-17). Yet, in Exodus the Lord tells them to "be silent" or to "be still." Reading this, I realized that the only way the Israelites would know whether to move or to be still was to listen to God. They had to relate to Him in order to know what steps to take.
Now the Lord is telling me to write. He's calling me to be silent about the nitty gritty details of what all transpired in my life this past May. But, He is calling me to write about living life as a single mom to four of the most beautiful, sweet, fun, loving kids ever. He is calling me to continue to write about the things He is teaching me and the ways He is leading me by His Word. He is calling me to continue to write about the ways He nourishes me as the true Bread of Life as I walk into unknown territory, just as He nourished the Israelites with manna in the desert.
When I was writing about persevering in marriage and surviving trauma in my marriage, I had a few women who, unbeknownst to them, had gone ahead of me. Often, they had expressed everything I felt in more eloquent words than I could muster. They had given me something to follow. Now, I am following God's lead more than ever. I know I am his workmanship, created in Jesus for good works, which He prepared beforehand that I should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10). But trust me when I say that I would not have chosen being a single mom as the "work" that I would walk in! Writing about life now is requiring relating to God and trusting his lead. I'm sure that I am going to mess up. I might offend some of you and you know, I might say too much sometimes. Which means I am going to need grace - something that I have a difficult time with because I would rather be able to do it all on my own.
Okay - I am off to pick up my sweet red-headed oldest baby from school, so I will sign off. I'm not even going to proofread!! Love and grace to you all.
