Is He enough?
I mean God, you know.
Is God enough? Just Himself. Not this life He has graciously given me. No what He provides for me. Not the blessings He has promised.
If my husband dies? Or my children? Do I believe He will be enough?
If we go bankrupt? Or lose our house? Do I believe He will be enough?
If I'm left all alone? If friends and family forsake me? Do I believe He will be enough?
In my study of Genesis this year, I came across one little verse that was full of an enormous idea. And now I just can't shake it. Oh, during the busyness of Christmas I was distracted from it. But . . . now that the decorations are put away, the new toys have found homes in the kids' rooms, and life was quiet for a week without our usual activities . . . it's tumbling around in my brain again.
Genesis 15:1 says this: ". . . the word of the Lord came to Abraham in a vision: 'Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward.'"
Did you catch that? God says to Abraham: "I am . . . your very great reward."
God Himself is Abraham's reward.
Was Abraham okay with that? Was he satisfied with that? After all he'd given up at the Lord's command? He'd left a comfortable life in Ur. He'd given up living near family and friends to live in a land full of strangers. He'd almost certainly given up a home with four walls and indoor plumbing (there was indoor plumbing in Ur, isn't that crazy??) for a nomadic life living in tents.
And then God says to me . . . Jocelyn, do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward.
And, am I okay with that?
Oh, I know He has always been enough in the past. Even on my darkest days, in my deepest suffering, in my most difficult circumstances, He has been enough.
And, I know the right Christian answer is to say, "Oh yes, God is my reward. He is my inheiritance and I am totally satisfied with Him and Him alone."
And you know, I want that to be my answer. I really do.
Yet my actions and attitudes give me away.
My fear gives me away.
God tells Abraham "do not be afraid . . . I am your very great reward." He tells me the same thing. God has promised to never leave me or forsake me. Even if everyone else does. Even in the worst of circumstances. He promises He won't leave. But, yet I still fear those difficult circumstances. There are moments when fear grips my mind and soul and it won't let go. Where I find myself clinging so tightly to my earthly life and the things I like about it - my people, my time, my habits, my lifestyle, my stuff - sometimes down to the smallest details. Deathly afraid of what would happen if I lost any piece of it.
If I was truly satisfied with God being my reward, would I fear losing pieces of this earthly life the way that I do?
So, I sit here wrestling with the Lord over all of this in my heart. Maybe a little nervous about what lengths He might go to, to show me that He is truly a great reward. Still trying to get up the nerve to hit "publish" and put this out in blogger-land, for all of you to know my struggle. I started this post a week ago, and I'm still not sure how to end it. So, maybe I just won't. No flourish. No witty ending. No pretty bow to tie it all up . . . just the open-endedness of things that the Lord is still working out in and for me.